Marriage advice needed - Am I being unreasonable and how can I improve?

Hi,





Any constructive advice would be much appreciated!





To give some background, I am from the UK and my wife and I have been married for nearly 8 years. Rather than go into details about our history I admit that I have not been the sort of husband that I should have been. I have made mistakes (not full blown affairs or sleeping with anybody, but some things up to that), and I have also been critical a lot of time, which when I look back (32 now, got married at 24), I feel terrible about and also naive.





So, here we are now and I keep making a lot of the same mistakes in terms of being critical. I know marriage isn't perfect and takes a lot of work, but recently her mother in law has become an issue. Specifically, it is to do with her health and who will be able to pay for her medical expenses when she gets older. My wife recently got a bit of bad news about her mum health wise and me being me, rather than be comforting I pretty much started asking who will look after her when she is older, who will pay for her medical expenses as she doesn't have any health insurance. I know there is medicare, but my wife said if she needs specialist care, then we would help in any way that we can.





I gave her a hard time about this and whilst I know that she is her family, I also feel that we are saving for our future and our retirement. I am starting to really dislike myself for this sort of attitude and I want to change it and be more supportive. It has got to the point where she has asked me to move out and I know this is because of the years of criticism about her and her family.





I guess I just want to find out whether other people have gone through this sort of thing regarding medical expenses and perhaps how best to handle it with a bit more sensitivity.





This was a long post, but any feedback really would be much appreciated.





Thanks.





C.Marriage advice needed - Am I being unreasonable and how can I improve?



As far as my knowing,it is a question with various answers,it is definitely depending on the your mind ,providing a great resource here http://www.healthinsurance-onlinetips.info/health-insurance-for-free.htm for reference though.


Marriage advice needed - Am I being unreasonable and how can I improve?
I have NOT experienced this same situation, but marriage is a partnership and you need to compromise.
By the sounds of it you are starting to come around realizing what a selfish boor you were in years of marriage. Perhaps its time to put down the sword and work as a union rather than waging constant battles over things that neither of you can control. See things through her eyes as you allude to but can't seem to bring yourself around to. Good luck.
I don't blame you for being concerned about who will take care of the mother and pay her bills. She should have considered her own old age before she got old. Why should you work all your life to support her bills? What are you supposed to do when you get older if you spend all your money on her? You are right, however, you need to stop complaining about it.
sounds like you need to be fully aware of things, and engage your brain, before talking...





see things from your wifes point of view... i doubt she's happy with the husband she has and would dearly like to change things...





sit down and talk it out with her... set things down logically and discuss them...
You say you are from the UK if this is the case then you know social services will step in and help as and when your mother in law is needy.


Might I add that you sound like the sort of husband that would be better as an ex husband, you have played around with other women and you are now giving your wife a hard time over her mum, you need to rethink your life out now and give your wife a chance of some happiness before she gets too old to enjoy it.
Ok. If i get long winded i beg ur pardon in advance.


First things first. I'm the wife in a similar situation as far as the criticising goes. And believe me the emotions i have gone thru are so many. My belief now is that men once they start criticising its a downhill road because they cannot stop themselves. I've lived with critical for 5 yrs now. 3yrs ago i would open my eyes in the morning and think ';Oh God!!!!!'; and at night would think ';Thank God!!! ';........Thats when his mouth would open and thats when his mouth would close. My head was in a numb state. Due to religious convictions i can't commit suicide....but i had even worked my head round that. Anyway, God only pushes His subjects as far as they can take it. One day my head came out of its stranglehold state. Just like that!!


I used to do a lot for my husband domestically...withoutit being a problem. Now i only cook, just so he'd stay quiet and not be critical. I clean the house for a bit of peacea and quiet...but to no avail...if it's not this it's that....critical words all the time. In my head i've stopped caring for him. If he walked out now i'd feel relief. Don't get me wrong, he is a real nice guy but getting twisted with his thought processes. Must everyone be out to get u? Can nobody say anything without there being a hidden meaning? Each time he opens his mouth i wince inwardly...nothing nice is going to come out of it.


ur marriage has been 8 yrs, maybe u r irrecoverable but the fact u r realising ur mistakes and want to do something about it...maybe there's hope for u.


Just think before u speak. If it's not nice...u wouldn't like someone telling u that...then don't speak it. PLEASE.


I know u probably are advising her......u think......but all it sounds to her is yet another criticism of her and where she's failing. We know our failings, we don't wanna hear them 24-7.


Ur mum in law isn't in need of the money straight away. Help her as u would ur own mother. She's not ur mom but she's someones mom. They're worried, just reassure them that together u'll do what u CAN. Who knows up ahead in life a stranger may come to help u out. Give and u get many folds, but sometimes we are so blind we cant see the return. I'm not preaching. I really believe this. Help others as much as u CAN. As another answer says u can get help from social services, there's no shame in asking for help. Look after ur old, u'll be well looked after. It isn't resources and love down the drain.


Remember ur wife has been with her mom and co longer than she has with u. When she has been with u as long as she has with her mom and co then U can make demands of her. Before that i don't think u even ought to. Give respect to her family and she will love you mentally physically no holds barred. Believe me.


Now go on, take her and her mam out for a picnic to the park with a few cakes(non healthy) and tangerines(healthy) and have a carefree day. Pleasure doesn't have to be expensive. My dad brings my mum dandelions and puts them in vases for her. She's just as happy.


Me? u ask.....well i'm still asking for a bouquet of flowers. I changed it to roadside flowers...still nothing forth coming...apart from the criticisms ( which to him are not criticisms......thats where u differ coz u realised what u're doing......but words of reasonable advice). Know what, this year i totally forgot his birthday. didn't even remember it before the month or during. Now thats sad. Why? i used to make an effort coz in his family they do that ...in my family we don't wrap presents or wish each other..just maybe make a better dinner. I gave him presents but my birthdays would pass by...';oops i didn't remember whether it was the 19th or the 21st.....';


Ah well, one lives in hope.


P.S. I am in no way a victim. I'm really strong in mind and body(the 3yr ago incident was just a temporary lapse). Good luck to you.
You sound quite British, so you have the Nat'l Health, so what are you moaning about? Even in the States, at a certain age you get Medicare. Obama's plan is to get us all covered soon, too. So, I'm assuming you just like to complain, and that you're good at it. You use it as a weapon to make your wife miserable.





Way to be more sensitive: consider that it could be YOUR mom with the problem and needing help, or even you. What if you were incapacitated? How would your wife deal with that? Probably with a smile on her face, right? People like you tend to attract the cheerful and uncomplaining.
I think it is great that you want to save for you and your wife's future and that's very understandable. However, if something was to happen to one of your parents, wouldn't you want to help them with your wife's help? You should also think about when you get old. Who's gonna step up to the plate and help you? What goes around, comes around. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Maw's and Paw's ain't around forever. Give your wife the pleasure of taking care of her mother in her last days on this earth. As I hope you will do for your own mother.