Marriage problems.....advice?

My husband and I got into an argument last night about money......money seems to be the center of most of our arguments. We are not doing well financially right now.





Every time we get into a rut, he always says ';It's going to get better';. It hasn't.





The reason this question is in the Religion section is because I want some Christian opinions.





Christians, what do you do when you and your spouse have a financial argument? How is it settled? Do you ever have a hard time forgiving each other when money is brought up?





BTW, I am a Christian.





The money situation, I feel, is tearing us apart and I hate to think like that.





There are other things in our marriage that we have problems with too......like when we argue, I don't like to argu at all in front of other people.....he doesn't seem to care. :-( He has all these ideas about wanting to get another vehicle, and I don't really want to and he wants to ';Put money into it';, etc.





Advice?Marriage problems.....advice?
My only advice is to remember that he is the lead.


There can only be an argument when two are playing.





Take his vision and help him make it happen. It will, in the long run, be better for both of you.Marriage problems.....advice?
My main advice to you is to PRAY HARD- pray about these matters, and pray together! Everytime you have an argument go to God- and also resolve it with your husband by asking forgivness or forgiving him as well- but when money is hard (And it is with us too) you need to truly TRUST God right now with it- I have gotten better with this over the past years, and even though we are still low income, we KNOW the Lord is providing and He is! Ask for wisdom as well in how to spend your money- But please pray fervently!


Also Read 1 Peter 3:1-3 (This is for christian wives)


And remember:


Proverbs 15:1


A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.


(I have this verse on my bathroom mirror, I love putting up scriptures throughout the house, to keep my mind on God, and to remember what He says, also good for memorizing)





And also as someone said above about counseling- it would not hurt to talk to a Pastor at your church- that could really help if your husband is willing...
money and sex are the two biggest problems in any marriage





Both can be worked out but you both have to agree to work on the problem. When my wife and I first got together we had little to no money. I did not have a job when I moved out to Chicago. Well I had one but the company closed 1 month after I got here. It took me a few weeks to get another job but money was still tight and we fought about it a lot. Finally we sat down and decide what we really needed and what we really did not need. that took some time. Also we let one person handle the money (my wife) I am bad at money. But all decisions about spending the money outside of bills we talked about.





Slowly things got better. I got a better job she got a better job and we did get out of the rut. We still ahve lots of bills to pay from that time. However working hard on it we got thru it and I think its made us stronger. We now have some extra cash and she can follow her hobby and I can follow mine in moderation.





If you are really commited to this marriage you need to make him understanad that you ahve to sit down and work out a real budget of things you need to live and things that are just extras. Though a little fun money should be in there. It might be simple liek a movie once a month or every other month but its helpful





I hope this helps
financial problems can be easily figured out if 2 people work together. budgetting and being a master over it, rather than it master you. pray, understand the rules of marriage and follow God's word. if you dont know it then you will have a problem.
Let me give you an advise. I used to quarrel with my wife about money and the Lord told me to be silence and not quarrel. It was my wife who was supposed to keep quiet because I am the head of the family.


I would advise that you do not argue with him and do not worry about anything. Let him worry about your family all you have to do is go about your family's need and if you need anything ask him.


Don't argue and when he speaks harshly to you, try to be quiet and listen and don't say anything.


Be nice to him and care about him.


If he wants a vehicle tell him its his decision.


But if you want to advise him, do so.


The most important thing is to pray and let God.


God bless
Most couples argue about money. It's just how it goes.





Your husband isn't making good decisions because he doesn't know how to. He has to learn how, and if he's not actively pursuing any education, he's not going to learn how.





But saying, ';He's supposed to be the leader'; is a cop-out. He can't lead without your support, and if the two of you are always at odd on money, then he's not feeling very supportive of you. That doesn't mean you should support the project car -- if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But you CAN make a plan so that you can afford it in the future. Try that approach. The project car isn't about money for him, obviously. It's about doing something he enjoys and feeling good about the skills he has in car rehabilitation and maybe about something he shares with his dad or his best friend or some other man that he respects. When you say ';No project car,'; he's probably hearing, ';Don't be who you are - be what I want you to be.'; Not that this is what you mean to say -- I'm just trying to show you how it can sound from somebody else's perspective. But if you say, ';I know you want the car, and I wish I had the money to run out and buy it for you. But we both know that I don't. How can we set up a special savings account for you so that you can get the money for cars like this and all the parts you need?'; -- then you are showing him that you get him and that you want to support him (but without ruining yourselves financially).





From a practical standpoint, here are Christian financial counseling places, but I don't know personally which you should trust. You might do some Internet searches or ask for recommendations from your family, pastor, friends, etc.





Also, to improve communications in your marriage, there is a great program called Retrouvaillle (www.retrouvaille.org). This is NOT counseling. It is a guided program of self-discovery. No airing dirty laundry. Just regaining what you had when you first fell in love and learning how to talk to each other better.





Okay, personal anecdote. My husband and I have never had a lot of money. When we got married, I was working 3 part-time jobs after having been laid off, and he was going to school part time and working full time. Shortly after we got married, I finally got a full-time job, and he got in a Christian band that was doing great. They toured the same places as Sixpence None the Richer, before Sixpence got famous and stopped being a Christian band. We put every extra dime we had into the band -- CDs, t-shirts, travel. He'd go on the road and I'd keep our house going.





Then, just as they were about to hit big time, the lead singer got cold feet and decided she didn't want to go any farther and quit the band. Her husband was the bass player and he quit, too. That was the end of the band, all except a huge tax burden that we had to pay because nobody else in the band had full-time jobs but me.





So my husband went back to school for a while, played in Casting Pearls for a while, got his degree and got a full-time job. Eventually, he wanted to open a recording studio, and I wanted him to do it. Everybody thought I was crazy, but we both worked and scrimped and saved and made it happen. He did well for a while, but when we changed churches, a bunch of the fundamentalist Christians wouldn't work with us any more, saying we were back-sliders, which isn't at all true, but what are you going to do? Turn the other cheek.





Throw in a couple of kids here and there and some medical bills and getting laid off AGAIN and we just haven't always had two dimes to rub together. But we don't fight about money very often because most of the time, we turst each other to be doing the right thing for our family AND to be trying to give the other person the cash to do what they want/need to do. I buy all our clothes at thrift stores, for example, so that he can have money to keep up his musical gear.





Right now, we have a joint checking account, for all the obligatory stuff like house payments and food and heat, and then he has an account for his music business and I have an account of my own. Any freelance money we earn goes into our own accounts for whatever we feel we need to spend it on. Mine is all going to tuition for the kids' schooling, for now. Sometimes I have a little extra 'mad money' to blow on something I want. Sometimes both of us have to dip into our freelance money to pay for an obligation. But at least our system is based on respect and the desire to give each other everything we need.





P.S. Don't fall into the ';name it %26amp; claim it trap'; or into the misconception that if you tithe 10%, you'll get rich. Tithe what you can with a heart that wants to give, and God will honor you for that. He may or may not bless you financially -- don't try to make that decision FOR Him. He's perfectly capable of making it Himself.
I don't want to be judgemental but it doesn't sound like your life is centered around Jesus Christ. The Bible gives us much counseling on money and marriage. The thing is we have to take it to heart. For a biblical perspective on both, check out the advice page at my source.





The good news is that GOD loves you both and wants you to have a wonderful marriage and to not be in financial bondage.
It seems the Christian answer is to let him in charge because according to the bible, women don't have brains.





In real life, you need to sit down and take a close look at all your finances, work out a budget that includes a savings plan, and stick to it.





Money is the root of most fights in marriages.
Get on a budget and strictly adhere to it. Live within your means.





Talk to a financial planner.





Get with a marriage counselor-- someone who can teach both of you *how* to argue...there's a fair way and an unfair way --





You don't say what your employment situation is-- but if you're not working, you could work, at least for awhile, to get your finances under control and have extra income to start saving.





Also, to heal your relationship, make sure you are investing in it, both time, emotions, etc., and go to church together. Pray together, spend time alone together, doing something fun...


it doesn't have to cost anything.





Regarding the car-- ask him to explain why he wants one--have him share his values surrounding the need for the car, and then share with him *your* values and why you don't see the need for one. Maybe there's a compromise situation in the middle of your respective values.





If you want to find a Christian counselor in your area, here's a website to do a search, or ask your pastor for a referral.
What have you done to make the finances better? Have you considered a higher paying job or going back to school? What can you see him doing to get more money? What can you cut back on?





This is one thing my ex and I would fight about constantly and me being a stupid little girl would back down every time.





Stand your ground. You have to come up with a solution together. Both of you have to make sacrifices to make things better.
Check out Dave Ramsey's website. I'd post the link but Y won't allow that anymore in this forum???





Dave is a Christian personal finance counselor with MANY years of experience helping couples and families. His radio show is massively popular, so it may be on the air in your area already and you just didn't know it!





His advice is very unconventional in these times, because it teaches ways that people don't do anymore, like putting money in savings, using a household budget, and not borrowing money. His way WORKS though. I followed his advice and got debt free back in '03... and I still am today. I'm an atheist, but I couldn't say enough great things about him and his ministry. If I saw him in the grocery store, I'd make a fool of myself hugging and thanking him for helping me get my life on the right track.





Everything he teaches is centered on the Bible, so I think you would really like it. (He's got some pretty interesting things to say about tithing too, since you mentioned it.) He's tough, but he's also very kind and understanding. He has a keen interest in the very types of marital issues you described, too. I hope you'll check his website out.
Dear Jess,





I wish there was an easy answer to these issues. Money and how it is handled tends to be a major issue in both Christian and non-Christian marriages.





St. Paul reminds us in Ephesians 5:21 that we are to submit ourselves to one another in the fear of God.





This is of course easier said than done. In my marriage, it has taken 5 years to devise a system that works for us and keeps money disagreements to a minimum.





I had to give a little (I'm the saver) and she had to give a little (she's the spender). Though our system is not perfect, when two people are willing to work together there is hope. It is important that BOTH of you come up with a plan for saving, spending, giving, etc. that you both agree with.





Marriages succeed when the two of you are able to apologize and forgive one another. Then you can work on the problem and not each other!





If you have difficulty working a plan that you both agree on, seek your pastor's advice, a financial counselor's advice, or send me an email with some more specifics and I'll be glad to try to help.





In Christ Jesus,


gloria-dei
First, make sure you are tithing. I have witnessed several examples like yours and when they began to tithe, it's amazing how quickly the financial situation turns around.





Second, you need to start learning to trust God. You start by submitting to your husband and trusting that God will lead him to do what is right and what is wise. You have the more important task of praying for your husband that he will be a Godly leader in your home.





Your current argumentative relationship is based on the fact that you do not trust your husband to lead. If you humble yourself, submit to God and your husband as head of the household, then you will find yourselves falling in love all over again.





Make sure you also understand that your financial situation has been set up by God as a personal tribulation. The purpose is to drive your relationship into proper alignment, for both you and your husband. Like Paul on the road to Damascus, the Lord had been goading him in one direction, while he went the opposite. It took knocking him off his high-horse to get him to surrender. Do not kick against the goads, rather, surrender to His Lordship.





Jess - Obedience does not depend on your husband. It depends on you. YOU do what YOU are commanded, and trust God to take care of your husband. God is watching to see if you will trust and obey Him in this situation. Is God able or not? Who has charge over your husband, God or you?





Married more than 17 years.
He is the head of the household according to the Bible, so it's his choice. He SHOULD involve you and consider your desires also, and value your input, but in the end he is the one who makes the decision.





Pray and read God's Word about this.
You both need personal Christian Counceling... from your words neither of you are liveing a ';Christian'; life... BUT... there is no way, from what you have posted to give you proper councel.... YA is deffinately NOT the place to seek help with your situation... if you have a church home seek counlcel from you pastor to start. He should know where to go for professional Christian Counceling in the areas you need help with.... there are professional financial advisors who are Christian and that would be one place to start..... AND clearly... your husband needs to read Ephesians 5:25-33... and you need ot read 5:22-33
It sounds like both of you are adding an enormous amount of doubt and fear (negativity) to your (lives and) money situation thus manifesting more (money) problems, and hurting your relationship in the process.





Maybe both of your could revert to your faith and believe that God will provide just what you need including plenty of money just has He has taken care of everything up until now.





I would say if you could believe that for a while, that something good is in store for you, then things will get better on all fronts.
As a Christian woman, I have to say I agree with the ';let him lead'; sentiment. I have found that as I submit to my husband (I'm not talking about being a bump on a log) that my life is much much easier.





Another thing I have found helpful is that if I withhold sex, using it as a form of punishment (I learned it from my mom) the strife in my marrage doubles or triples.





Good luck!





(I've been with my husband for 13 years, most of my life, and it's been a long and often hard road)
You dislike your husband for being an optimist? What you need is a financial Advisor not some priest
I would ask you to picture yourself with nothing at all. Everything is gone. What is left is you and God. Would that be o.k., or not. By the way, there is nothing wrong with downsising, in this economy it will happen more and more.
you need to agree on a budget and stick to it...





and you need to have some enjoyment with your money, too...





include ';mad money'; in your budget, that you get to spend so much on stuff you want every week (or save for bigger things) and he should have the same....





if he wants to buy a project car, and that's within his budget of mad money, you should not stand in his way...





agree on things you both want to keep, and get rid of the extra bills you agree you don't need...





also, this whole situation works out much better if you're both working full time, and direct deposit into a joint account...
The money problems are just symptoms of different priorities. Some Christian based counseling on how to argue/disagree might help. Tell him that it is causing you pain (without blaming) and try to work through it.
This is one of the major causes of divorce, remember when you marry it was for better or for worse. Marriage is a covenant with God and should never be broken. I been there myself and prayed to the the Lord and He fixed it.
Have you considered talking to a Pastor or a Priest... They really do have good marital advice and I think could help both of you out. God Bless..
Dump the loser and marry a rich Atheist! Problem solved!
well intead of asking about it you should go and get some professional help for the both of you. Maybe you should try something new to spice it up again! idk wat to really tell you
Even Christians have a right to divorce. Unless this guy is super awesome at something other than making money (because he obviously sucks at that), get rid of him. Especially since he's taking out his frustration on you, continues making bad financial decisions and doesn't seem to care about your opinions.





And PLEASE don't buy into the chauvinistic pigs' advice to bend over and take it in the *** from your man because he has a penis and you don't.





Jesus preached equality, and these people have nothing to do with what he said.
Of course, only Christians could offer any perspective on this...








Never mind that I've been married 17 years, and been through this kind of thing.








Sometimes I wish people would just ask for human advice...





=0(
The Bible says that the wife is to submit to the husband. Stop arguing and let him lead.