I am out of answers, i feel i have hit rock bottom....again, but this time worse, it always seems worse. i am 19 years old, and come from an extremely hard child hood. Long story short throughout my child hood iv been physically, sexually and mentally abused. My birth mom died when i was 2 and a half, and my birth dad never stuck around to even see my birth.(he was married to someone else at the time my mom got pregnaunt with me, and just left her) Iv always lived in foster care due to my mom's drug habbit, and homelessness, my foster mom that i lived with for 15 years died a few years ago, i still havent gotten over it, i never really grived about it at that time either, and now i am finding myself not being able to go on life with out her, it is just to painfull, on top of my current situation. A year and a half ago i met this guy who i thought was amazing, he completed my life, he was my family, he cared, he loved, and instead of telling me i dont belong here, he thought i was the most specialest person ever. He was amazing, he didn't belive in hitting me like most people belived in. i fell hard for this guy, and he fell hard for me to,(so it seemed) we thought we were so in love, and our theory was why wait to get married, so two months after we met we got married, i know it sounds crazy, but at the time it sounded ,like true love, i was so dumb, blind and neieve. On our honey moon he got mad and hit me in the leg, thebn he said he would never do it again and started crying. a couple months later around christmas time he almost broke my wrist, for a few months after that he would randomly get to mad and some how hurt me. I tried to leave him but he got back into shape and for a good few months he was good, he still would push me away when i wanted a kiss(he claims he doesnt like to kiss) and he doesn like to hold my hand, and he ignores me alot, and says mean things to me, but he wasn hurting me, then 4th of july i had to go to the hospital because i had a concusion becasue he got drunk and pushed me on the ground outside and i hit my head. he said sorry, but then would occasionally continue to hurt me, then he stopped again for a nice few months, then this last thanksgiving morning he was in a bad mood and punched me in the face twice, and a couple times in the arm, i said i would call the cops, then he chocked me(not the first time he has chocked me) so i punched him in the face and gave him a bloody nose, but i felt so bad, but i didnt know what else to do to get him to let go of my throat. i dont know why i feel like i cant leave, i feel i care about him strongly, and i miss and love the guy he was when we first met, and i feel like i could leave, but when it came down to it it is to painfull to actually go through. can anyone please give me advice?I need serious advice on marriage, divorce, life, and grief. Please please help me?
Well when I opened the question I was expecting to leave a comment, not write a book. But you obviously need the whole book.
Well, let's see. The first chapter would obviously be about how you put people in your life that are going to abuse you. Not only do you attract these types but you actually seek them out. Most of us that have lived for long periods of our childhoods in an abusive home do this. The proimary reason for that is that ';normal'; people that are raised in ';normal'; homes seem strange to us. They don't take the skeptical view of others. Trust is not a foreign ideology to them. They can form casual bonds with people and not expect more than the other person is clearly stating that they are offering. This is a mindset that needs to be unlearned so that the new way of thinking can be learned.
That's brings us to chapter two: Why do you move so fast in your relationships that you odn't have time to feel out the other person before jumping in head first? Well this is also a result of your childhood. On the rare occasions that you had a happy period in life, it was short lived and you spent more time rembering those times than you do preparing for the future. Some people call that stuck in the past. Reflecting is good and comforting and calming at times, but when you spend to much time and energy wanting things that will never be again, then you end up missing out on opportunities to prepare for a better tomorrow. In your attempt to relive those moments of excitement and bliss, you over-commit to the first person who seems like they may be able to give you those good times again. Then three months down the road, when the new has worn off and the monotony of real life settles in you sit there thinking, What the hell did I just do? Its not what you did but how fast you did it that creates problems. Anyone willing to commit to marriage after two months of dating probably has issues of their own(more than likely very similar to yours in nature.)
Moving on, chapter three: How should a person grieve properly when they have only known a life of one loss after another? This is a tricky area for a lot of people. Guys are regularly told not to express emotion. ';Be a man. Boys don't cry.'; This type of endoctrination is very hurtful in terms of emotional health and growth. And it is by no means limited to males. Grieving is something that everyone does a little different, but here are a couple of ground rules that I have found favorable.
1) You should set aside a portion of time to be used specifically for grieving. This should be a designated time period, say two-one hour periods during a week's time(MAX). Make this time a ceremoneous event. Light some candles and turn out the lights. Put on some sad music that reminds you of the loss you are reflecting upon. Shut off the cell phones and the TV- IT CAN WAIT!!! Any time spent grieving outside of these designated times should be considered over-indulgent and should be vigilantly thrust out of your mind at the very moment the thoughts enter.
2) Don't put yourself in the presence of dangerous people during your times of grieving. If there is a person of questionable integrity that comes to mind, exclude them. Until they are worthy of being trusted with your innermost emotions, they shouldn't be allowed to see your soul on that level.( Your abusive boyfriend comes to mind for me. If he is capable of physically attacking you, he will not hesitate to emotionally attack you.) Don't be afraid to let someone of irreputable integrity be a part of your grief. Share your thoughts and feelings. I know, we don't trust anyone, but this is an important part of the grieving process. Its not about getting their input, its about being able to vocalize our own feelings.
Chapter four: But I'm in a relationship now! How do I respect my own commitment to that without putting myself in danger? This is an area where we are simply and genuinely confused. As abusees, we have come to accept being physically and emotionally abused. We allow people to hurt us while we hang on to the idea of a person that doesn't want to be mean. We envision the person's best qualities as their defining features. STOP!!! Those aren not their defining characteristics. They are their rare and most beautiful moments. Their defining features are that of control. You didn't commit to a person who wanted to control you. You committed to the person that wanted to love and cherish you. Here is my suggestion- make it clear to him that you have seen him at his best and that you want to be a part of his life in those moments. But you have also seen the worst he has to offer and you are not willing to accept his two personas as a package deal. To put it simply- Shape up or ship out. You aren't breaking a commitment here. The fact is the person that you committed yourself to is, by enlarge, an illusion.
And chapter five: If the powers that be would have afforded me a better childhood, would I have a better life today? The simple answer here- NO! Many people have come from broken/abusive/addictive households and have made themselves into amazingly successful people in life. When I became willing to define myself as an alcoholic I had to take on some new ideas that were foreign to me. One of those ideas was that I am the only person responsible for my success in life. In the treatment of alcoholism there are two basic areas of interest. 1) the knowledge of how to treat the disease. and 2) the application of that knowledge. I mentioned that because it is very similar to a lot of other issues that we all face in life. Addiction recovery, abuse recovery, inability to grieve, ADD/ADHD(one of my personal favorites), Diabetes, Cancer, etc... All of these things have those two factors in common. Knowledge and application- if you don't know what to do then trying your hardest doesn't matter. You're just pissing in the wind. If you have all of the knowledge in the world and don't take the action necessary to help yourself, none of it matters. You're a walking, dying textbook that nobody wants to read.
I would advise you to do three things at this point. Start by learning Maslow's Hierachy of Human Needs Pyramid. If you don't know what that is, google it. After that, hit me up again. my email account is wasted_potential75@yahoo.com . I would love to discuss what the pyramid means to you and how you will go about securing your needs in life. The third thing, get a hobby. I got a guitar a week ago. I will never be the lead in the Van Halen crew, but it gives me something to do besides wallow in my misery. It took me years to pick a hobby so I understand if you don't have an instant inspiration to take on something new. If that seems to be a problem for you like it was for me, contact me. We'll talk you through it.I need serious advice on marriage, divorce, life, and grief. Please please help me?
Go to my blog...www.swordofthespirit123.wordpress鈥? I hope it helps...Good Luck...
yeah
leave
period
you lack serious self esteem
and you of course realize you marriage is a joke
since you do not love yourself
so how in there world can you ever expect to make a marriage work
you can't
you are not wonder women
and he is not super man
both of you are human with big problems
and no amount of counseling will fix this
divorce and time alone will
at the very first time he hit you
you should have left
but you are so desperate for validation
that you try to rationalize his bad behavior
all victims of abuse say this
it's what they do so that they can live with themselves
as they know they are wrong and living a lie
i am not going to lay blame on your husband
i am going to lay it with you
as you lack accountability, since you keep staying incident after incident
i guess you do not pay attention much to the news
where you see women after women killed by husbands and ex's
and they usually get worthless restraining orders
which do absolutely nothing, when he comes in mad as hell and with bad intent in his eyes
in almost every case
the women stays...
she always thinks she can work it out
i do not care about your past, if you want to use that as an excuse for the reason you behave the way you do
then you have only yourself to blame for living in the past and dragging it forward as your crutch for excuses as to why you don't do this or that
they day you drop your past is the day you start living
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