Need some solid, real advice about my marriage-I have faith in all of you people! Help me please!?

I am a thirty-year old,stay at home mother of four. I have been married to the father of my kids for eleven years.We have had a very rocky relationship.He has had a lot of trouble keeping a steady job over the years,and his looks are fading fast.He really doesn't make personal hygene a priority anymore and has let his body go in a big way.He just does not turn me on at all .He has always been very self-centered,but has made a concerted effort to be a better father and somewhat of a better husband in the last few years, but deep down, I have always known that he is not ';the One';.How stupid am I for having children if I knew this?Poor kids.Anyway, I am so over this situation and feel imprisoned,and that if I were to try to separate or divorce,that it would be my own selfishness making decisions for me,instead of me putting my childrens' happiness first, although they are feeling the tension between us.He swears that he doesn't want to lose me,but I am not feeling it. I am miserable.Help!Need some solid, real advice about my marriage-I have faith in all of you people! Help me please!?
i'm sorry to hear your marriage isn't going too well, from reading your post it reminded me of the tv show ';how to have sex after marriage'; if you havent seen one of their shows i suggest you do.





as i don't know you on a personal level i have no insight into your relationship other than what you have said but i'm sure as you married and had kids with him you were once madly in love with each other but obviously from what your saying its fizzled out =/





i think its a bit upsetting when someone choses to put the kids before their partner, you should come first or equal to them.





staying in a loveless marriage is painful for you, him and your children, if there is tention in the house hold it's not a great place to bring up children.





as for your husband saying he doesnt want to lose you, if that was the case then he would do everything in his power to hold onto you and if he wont, hes not worth it!





you need to be a strong woman not just for yourself but for your kiddies too. noone deserves to feel trapped and miserable. make sure he knows what he will be missing if he doesnt buck up his ideas!





don't let him get you down, hes obviously not worth it. xNeed some solid, real advice about my marriage-I have faith in all of you people! Help me please!?
I am sorry to hear this is your situation as was mine 2 months ago before I just up and left, I have never been happier but it was a long time coming and I think the kids new something was coming so it was not terribly traumatic. How can you love someone who does not love themselves? My husband litteraly pushed me out by his coments and actions but he would never leave me because of his marriage beliefs. We had 2 and a half years of marriage counseling so I highly recommend this befor any action be taken even if you still split up it will give you both the strength to manage after the fact and if you don't split then it was well worth it. Good luck to you - but it needs to be all about you, be honest with yourself and look after yourself.
If you are not happy neither will your children be!!!!!!!!! Good luck and God bless
I think there two problems here. First is the psychological state of your husband that could probably be related with the jobs that he doesn't keep. Second it is your lack of love for him. Clearly you don't love him so for your own sake leave him. I would imagine that you feel pity for him, given the situation, but you need to get over it, otherwise it will TWO people completely unhappy. I believe it will be very difficult for you to do this but be brave, because you did not show, in your text, any sign of affection for him, the only thing that I see is your guilty feelings for leaving him. I don't know what is worse if it is the fact that you live a lie or the fact that he doens't notice it.
I personally do not believe in divorce. However, if you honestly don't think it will work out, leave. Don't stay together for the kids. Eventually, they will see how unhappy you are. Do what it best for you, if you are unhealthy spiritually, mentally, physically, or emotionally, it will only make them feel helpless. You owe it to yourself to be happy and have a chance at true matrimonial bliss.
i am a true believer than children are better off with a single happy parent- than with two miserable ones. Trust me- they learn from everything they see- and often model after it.


if they don't see either of you make an effort to be happy- it will wreak havoc on their self-esteem, and they, too will have issues as adults feeling that they deserve anything better. After all- their only frame of comparison is two parents that are eternally unhappy with eachother.


Good luck
you people think marriage is jsut a relationship? why did you even go out with him in the first place. Marriage is a decision of a lifetime and when you make it you gota keep the promise. You will be punished on judgement day if you divorce because in the bible says: ';you cannot divorce for any reason UNLESS if your husband or wife is cheating and being unfaithful, or if they are too sinful and you cant stand their sinful life';. Now make the choice. The way it sounds to me is that you just wnat to have fun but woe to you nonbelievers..god bless you..go to church.
Because of the children and the fact that they must all be under 11 years of age. I would suggest trying to work things out. Talk to him explain where your coming from. Think before taking drastic measures. Being a single parent with 4 young children. Will be hard. You will have to work then come home and take care of them. Dating will be practically impossible if you care about being a good parent. Plus you will have to worry about the kind of men you will attract. What decent man wants to date a woman with 4 small children? Unless he is a predator of kids. It will be practically a miracle to meet one worth having that will accept the children and care for them. Coming from a broken home. Where my mother had more children than you. And she decided to do her own thing. I know what I speak of.
I was in your shoes once.I was 27 %26amp; had 4 children also. But he made it easy for me.He cheated on me with our 15 yo


babysitter.It killed any feelings I had left for him.I made him


leave %26amp; he had to support us all. You are not being selfish so


don't let that stop you! Life is to short to be so miserable.From


one who has been there,done that also.
Your husband sounds depressed. He needs a complete medical check up and a psychological evaluation.
See a therapist as soon as possible...start with you, then maybe the two of you together. Take it easy. Take a deep breath. Do something nice for yourself!! Pamper yourself!! You've got 4 kids and you're only 30! Give yourself a break! And don't call a lawyer til you give therapy a chance! KJL
I'm sorry, but the whole 'his looks are fading fast' is really a shallow thing to say. We will all grow old (God willing) and our looks will fade.....some of that is beyond the scope of what we have control over.





';Deep down I have always known he's not the one'; What one? Don't spout romantic drivel...





You owe it to your children to drop the romantic fantasy and deal with the reality. The reality is that you've made four kids with this man, and at one point you loved him enough to marry him.





You say he is trying, and that is a good sign. Why not try marriage counseling? Why not try something different....like changing YOUR ATTITUDE? What have you done lately to promote your marriage? All I hear is complaining...and that's only going to get you one place, further in misery.





Sometimes the only thing we have control over is our own behavior. Why not PRETEND that you are feeling his efforts? Why not be kind and caring towards him? Even if you don't 'feel' it, just pretend it. You'd be surprised what a few nice and encouraging words from you can do.


Give him a compliment, build him up, quit tearing him down......





Good Luck.
I express how you are feeling with your husband and try to find a way for both of you to feel better.





Never put your children's happiness before your own. That is not a good role model for your children. If you are happy your children will be happy. By taking control of your happiness and life you will be demonstrating to them that they too are in control of their own happiness.





Seek out help from a professional who will help you as well make the right choices for yourself as it is difficult to express and give the right advice over a short yahoo answers session.
I don't think you should ever stay in a relationship for the children's sake. Kids are sharp, and we dont give them enough credit . they know when something is wrong, and if you are as unhappy as you say you are I can almost guarantee then can sense that
I do not think that staying married for the children is a good idea. You say that they are feeling the tension. They do. They know when things are not right and they know when you are not happy. It is not selfish to want to be happy. Your children might be more happy in a house that is not filled with tension.