I need advice on my marriage -- Should I stay or go?

I've been married for 28 years, have two grown children, but no grandchildren. I like him, but I don't love him -- not the way he wants. I married young, and now that my kids are gone, I've gone back to school, and am growing as a person. He doesn't like the change, and wants the ';old'; wife back -- the one who stayed home to cook, clean, do laundry, and doesn't want to do anything without him..She's not coming back. I've been married so long, and went from living with my parents to living with my husband. I'm so torn as to stay or go. Is it fair to stay with someone who you like but don't love? We fight so much, because I'm trying to find out who I am as a person, and not just ';his'; wife and my ';childrens'; mother. Any advice? And, yes..I have been in individual counseling, and no, I'm not going through the ';change'; and a midlife crisis. Please advise.I need advice on my marriage -- Should I stay or go?
You have to do what is best for you. After the kids are grown, you have to live for you. You married him a long time ago, but life changes and you are doing something positive for your life. He will not be around forever for you to depend on him, so going to school is a good thing. I would tell him that he needs to accept you or you are moving on, and mean it.I need advice on my marriage -- Should I stay or go?
You guys have it a lot better off than many couples. It sounds like he's not abusing you or stepping out on you, it simply sounds like you have different expectations for each other. I think that individual counseling is great, but have you considered getting counseling together? Please try to work it out if possible.
28 years is a lot invested into someone.





I understand that people grow and knowing this I too am worried that one day my wife and I shall grow apart.





I guess you have to look into the relationship and ask:





Can he change with you or learn to accept the changes?





Can he go to counseling with you? Maybe it will do him some good and/or learn how to understand and cope with your changes.





In the end IF you have to split no one has to be the bad guy. Just a simple understanding that you have both changed as a person and you are at a point where you need to break out on your own.
Wow, this is a tough but not unusual situation. There are a lot of women out there who spend so many of their early years dedicating themselves to their families then find out once the kids are grown they need more in life and need to figure out who they are beyond what they have been. I wish your husband were supportive of your need for more and wasn't stuck living in the path because I think he would find that there is so much more to you and more of you to love than he ever knew before. Ultimately I doubt if you have the desire to keep fighting with him over things that you are going to do and need to do. It may be that you will both be happier if you are no longer together. He can find someone to be that fantasy stay at home wife who takes care of his every need and you can find out who you are and find someone who can appreciate and love that person.
Sounds like you are more bored with yourself than you are with him.
You know my parents went through this for ever, and from a child's perspective, its unhealthy. they argue and fight for petty reasons and make each other miserable at times, even though they love each other for the same reason you still care for your husband. your kids are grown so you dont ahve to worry about your decision affecting them. I suggest you do what you already know you want to do. leave him, better to go on good terms while you are still friends than for it to get ugly. you can only make someone else happy if you are happy and youre not, so do something for yourself after alll of these years and move on. Im not saying you need to find a new man, but you should never stay with someone out of convenience, its not fair to the other person, and more importantly youre cheating yourself out of happiness. its a hard thing to leave someone you have spent the majority of your life with, but it seems like you are already emotionally and mentally prepared to do so. Stay in counseling youll need it, but I say go.
My God women you sure are messed up! You waited 28 years to figure out your not what you used to be and he ain't either. Why are you bothering everyone else with this. I suppose if someone gave you the advice you wanted now it would take another ten 3 decades for you to decide if it had any relevance. I think you would be doing both of you favor by jumping ship. Put it on your resume for the next shmuck to come along.
He told you what he wants, but did you tell him what you want? Does he understand where you're coming from, your view and thoughts? You mention individual counseling, but how about couples counseling if he's not understanding. I think he can adjust to the new you and even like it if he knows it makes you happy. Because if you're happy then he's probably going to be happy too. In short, it really sounds like from what you said that you two need more communication, not fighting, but a serious discussion, and you should at least try to make that happen before giving up on him.
Stop acting like a victim of life with your husband.If you are determined to learn then you can learn how to understand what is happening in the marriage AS A RESULT OF YOUR CHOICES to change the game.You are acting like a little girl who wants her way and nobody let me before.There are ways to save this with therapy and hard work.But you will probably pick being a new victimized woman and go in the direction that is most self serving.There are thousands of women groups out there that will tell you,YOU GO GIRL,dump the man who loves you, more than you will ever be mature enough to understand.Then maybe you will be fortunate enough to have somebody do the same thing to you!Grow Up!
Go! If you think you can be the way you were B-4 you got married,and not miss him,and be alone,If you can handle having to get to knowing and learning someone new,not having your husbands support(shoulder).If you think it's going to be easy er out there on your own,GO.Hey for all we know your husband can't wait for you to GO.It might be the best thing for HIM.Maybe he'll find someone who loves him opposed to just liking him.Maybe it's not fair that you STAY!!!!!GOOD LUCK! OH YEAH! 28 years thrown away, damn.
My friend.





I just want to point out to two things.





You have two lovely kids.





You're been married for more than 2 decades.





I think you should evolve your relationship with your husband. Life is too short. Think beyond. The fact that he's still with you does without doubt mean that he likes you. He might feel threatened by your recent return to school and that's natural cause he loves you.





Please don't break his heart and destroy with your own hands this union that has produced your two kids and that I'm sure had plenty of lovely moments. Remember the number of times you smiled at his jokes, and remember him smiling back at you.





You don't know what you've got until it's taken away, you realy don't know, seriously, until it's all gone and the dust has settled.





Stick by your man and allow him to stick by you.
First of all, if you have to ask, then you should probably go. Second of all, it is very VERY important to find out who you are as a person, I say good for you for going back to school! Keep growing, and if he doesn't like it, its his problem!!
Hello, my dear sometimes we go threw life backwards it dosen't make it right or wrong. The fact is it's very healthy to be feeling this way(new life changes) for you, you have decided to turn a different knob and walk threw the door but this is scary for someone who is so use to ';the old way'; Your husband might be feeling like ';left out'; people are afraid of change and this sounds allot like what's happening to your husband. He's been the bread winner and dad and the family life now it's just you and him.





I would do my best to involve him in my new ventures but also let him know that you still love him(and you do)and that you are still his mate and wife and this new adventure called your life is about to begin!! God Bless and good luck I hope this helps.
Honestly that is a pretty selfish reason to leave your husband. If he deserted you or kept having affairs on you or was abusive, then I would say go in peace.





28 years ago you made a sacred vow to your husband, you have shared many years together and have two, no doubt beautiful children. You do not have grandchildren...yet. Throwing all that away just because you are still growing as a person is not a viable reason or excuse.





You need to ask yourself, ';Why have I fallen out of love with my husband?'; Dig a little deeper as to why you really want to leave, I think you'll find the answer inside. It seems that there is a more profound, underlying reason for your wanting to leave, rather than him missing the way you used to be.





As husband and wife you should be ablet to communicate open and honestly with one another. If you cannot you have to at least try. Get away somewhere together. Do not try to communicate within your usual surroundings. Go somewhere intimate so that it's just the two of you and the rest of the world is on hold. You need to be able to focus on one another and be very open and honest.





If you find that it does not work (it is not going to be easy), I would advise marriage counseling. I realize you have been to individual counseling but my dear, if you are wanting to give up on the relationship you need to make him privy and seek help together.





Does he truly understand how you feel and that you are really questioning whether or not you want to give up? What if he truly doesn't realize how you feel? He has the right to know. You can't just give up on someone after 28 years.





Call it what you want: growing apart, going our seperate ways, changing, a new found self, etc. It's not worth sugar coating what it really is: giving up.





You need to really search deep inside yourself and find out what the underlying problem is. You should at least try. More often than not I have found in such cases that women (and men) are usually wanting to leave for more deep reasons than having fallen out of love or ';maturing.';





That is my open and honest advice. I am not sure what your spiritual beliefs are but I strongly suggest you seek the counsel or God (if you believe) and pray, or meditate.





Go to couples counseling.





If you would like to be heard (read) more and would like further help, I am available. Please let me know and I can contact you via email.





Do not give up on your life's investment. You can fall back in love, you can find out what is really making you want to leave everything behind.





Peace and comfort,


-CD
You need to grow as a person. What he is afraid of is growning himself.


When one partner starts to grow as a person, then other partner starts to grow too and then grow together, or they grow apart.





You need to talk with him, if he is not willing to let you grow and work on growing himself. I would then consider a temporary seperation ( this is not a time to go out and date and find someone new, but spend time working on you and let him work on him. ) The time spent apart should be agreed by both set a time frame for this at the end of the time frame come back together and talk, See if you both have grown. It may bring you closer together, and find the love you once had. OR it may grow you apart.





best of luck.
I believe that if he would take the time to understand your feelings that you would find that deep inside you still love. I can understand what you are going through. You put your life on hold to care for him and have children and raise them and now that they are grown you want to see what you can achieve in life and God knows you deserve it. I'm not going to say to go to counseling b/c that doesn't work. I think you need to tell your husband how it is and that he'll have to accept it or you two can call it quits. I think he is insecure and feels you don't need him anymore and that you will find someone else. You must love him or you wouldn't have stayed with him that long. Maybe a trial separation would help both of you to find your hearts and take a deep breath. I hope this helps.
first of all, not to be mean but stop being so selfish... remember when you signed up for that marriage thing you promised a lot. you have to work to be in love, it is not something that you just fall in and out of.. if that was the case it wouldn't be special. 28 years is a lot to throw away over some changes and school. you have to see his side and consider his needs over your own, somewhere in your changes i believe that you have forgotten that
well i knoe how you feel you are not the only person that feels like that well i think you should sit down with himalone or with him and a counsler well if you were to dit down alone with him than you mu tell him that you are not changing back to the other mother i knoe all men want really is slaves to do every little bit they need done but thats not always the case and maybe i did not help ou there but if you were to sit down with a counsler than you and him will have to explin every little bit of yalls problemo and she will tell you if you need to go or stay it will prolly be hard for you to leave him cause you have been wit him 4 28 yers
I admire you - you are a smart woman and I'm glad you are finally finding ';yourself'; not who you are with your husband or as a mother .. who you are as one whole person without anyone else. Keep it up and don't let him bring you down and turn back into that old wife. Honestly, if you only like him and don't love him why don't you leave him. I know that you know you can make it on your own - don't you love the fact that you havegone back to school. If he really truly loved you and cared and respect you he would love the fact that you are discovering yourself and doing all these great things for yourself and are growing as a person. He should actually find that attractive in a woman. But if you don't love him and he is not supporting you obviously, you should leave. It's the best thing you could do for youself - why do you stay?
He should be happy for u that u want to improve yourself by going back to school. I am glad u are not staying that woman u were thats good for u and your self-esteem. Sit down and explain to him how u feel and what doing these changes in your life means to u and the importants and if he refuses to allow u to grow then it just might be time to go.......If u like him but dont love him sometimes that ok to be comfortable in your relationship but if he loved u he would let u grow and become what made u happiest. Good for u!!! I hope u can find a common understanding then getting divorced but if u find yourself out growning the relationship and he cant be supportive then i guess u should go.
How about a time out? Take time away from eachother, time for you to reflect and grow, and time for him to see how he truly feels as well. After 28 years people become ';comfortable'; with eachother to the point where they may not realize they are drifting apart, or may think they are drifting when in reality all they need is to spice things up. Maybe you two could live apart lets say for a month, reflect on how you feel. See how you feel without him by your side. This alows you a chance to see if it's an issue of too comfortable and lack of spice, or you are in fact falling/fell out of love. The fact that your life is taking you in a different direction and his in another may just be an indication that you two need to keep some activities sepertate, but still be married. Meaning, not all hope is lost, you have a chance to either move on or stay, but I think it best you take time apart so you BOTH have a chance to see what feels right! Take Care, Good Luck!
you need to find yourself, i see so many women with the same problem.If he doesn't respect or like the new you then you should go. 28years is a long time to make someone else happy. you should spend the next 28 years on yourself....
If you are wanting to avoid counseling...then the only other option other than just packing and moving is to talk to your husband. Make an appointment with him to sit down and talk. Let him know how you feel about growing as a person. Let him know you would love for him to be a part of that journey- but that the journey WILL HAPPEN with or without him. Then give him a chance to be a part of it and encourage him when he does. If he chooses to not be a part of this next journey in life- then you might think about separation. If you don't give him a chance to be part of your transition- you will regret it forever.
I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GO BECAUSE ITS ONLY FAIR TO YOURSELF TO LIVE WITH HIM IF YOU LOVE HIM.
My Mom told me the same thing, so it's common. But anyway, try and think about how your life would be without him? Good? Bad? If the good out-weights the bad. I say, go for it.
First off - congrats on raising your kids and then going back to school!! Not many people have that kind of opportunity, time, energy or money!





So, your husband seems a little threatened by this new you. Perhaps he is jealous? Is there anything about himself that he would like to change? Have you asked him what it is about the new you that he doesn't like (besides that you're not picking up after him)? And have you been unhappy BEFORE you went back to school and discovered your new self, or are you unhappy NOW because you're learning all these new things and your husband is not very supportive?





If you were having a rocky time before you ';grew';, then perhaps you should call a timeout. But if this has all surfaced because you changed and he stayed put, then I would ride it out awhile. Pretend you're not married and go out on a date with each other, try to get to know one another again.





My sister went through something similar with her husband - married 17 yrs, they have 2 teen girls, one who was quite a handfull that made them both want to avoid home! She told him she wanted a divorce about 2 years ago, that they never did anything together and she didn't love him either. But they worked it out and started spending more alone time instead of with family and friends. They now have a stronger relationship - they go on daily walks and little weekend day trips together.





I don't want you to make the wrong decision, but I hope I helped somewhat!! And besides, even if you go your own way for a little while there's always a chance you can make ammends in the future.
Two ways to look at this.


1 - just love him (counselling for the two of you etc etc)


2 - move on (as long as you have tried your best)
Give him a LOT of sex to shut him up or leave,your kids will be sad but since they are grown up they should understand
You've been a wife and mother for 28 years.. Do what you want for change.. If he doesn't respect that then I'm afraid hunny... leave!!





And as long as your honest with him about you not loving him anymore then yes it is OK to be with him..


As long as you treat him with same respect you are asking of him..
I think you should go if you do not love him. You should not play with his emotions. You have a hard decision to make and should talk to a counselor. You all been together for a long time and I hope you can work it out. Good Luck!!!
change is good everything have to change or it will grow old like your marriage. Sometimes I don't know who my wife is but we work through it.