My husband and I recently had our first daughter. She is 1 now. She has separation anxiety with me because I stayed home with her for the first year and now she is in daycare. When I get home she just wants to be in my arms constantly. My husband expects me to come home cook dinner, clean, and do the dishes all while trying to handle my daughter at the same time. We have talked about it and decided that he would load the dishwasher and help watch her while I'm making dinner. That hasn't happened, when he tries to play with her she immediately screams and cries and come running for me, his excuse is ';What am I supposed to do? She wants you.';. And as far as the dishes, he thinks loading is one of the hardest jobs so he either doesn't do it or constantly complains and we fight about it. Even though both of us work he believes because his job is physical that it's much harder than mine so he should be able to come home and relax. I am border line on leaving. This has been going on for some time now, and every time that we try to talk about it he tries to play victim, like he hasn't done anything wrong and I am just a ***** for asking him to do these things. I know that a lot of couples has these problems with new children and that it will eventually get better but I am becoming depressed and crying alone almost everyother night. What can I do to try and make things work, and to get through to my husband to tell him what I need without him thinking I am lashing out at him? My Husband's and I marriage is falling apart. Advice?
You both need some marriage counseling to learn how to communicate. (Mostly him.) He's playing games with the victim thing and needs a wake up call. He's being a jerk, and needs to participate in child-rearing as well as being a partner.
If he won't go to counseling, then you pretty much know the marriage is over. Don't be afraid of being a single mother----you already are.
My Husband's and I marriage is falling apart. Advice?
It never gets better. Your husband is taking you for granted and if he cannot play with your daughter then his lazy **** should be cooking the dinner. Tell him he has a month to change or he can get out
If you both work, why should you shoulder all of the work at the house ? Bottom line............ your husband should help out around the house and build a relationship with his daughter.
Sounds like you two need a dose of couples therapy. As you said, many couples experience this after a child's birth and trying to adjust to this new addition, but it can be tamed with the right help. If you're averse to therapy, get some self-help books. Whatever it takes to stay together - don't break up over a dishwasher. Seriously, I know it's the principle, but you got married and had a daughter for bigger reasons than his ability to help you clean. Figure out a way to compromise. Don't give up, for your kid's sake.
You need to ask yourself whether it would be any easier if he wasn't around. Right now, it sounds like you're overextended - which you'll be whether you stay together or not.
Try to find a time when you're not angry with him to sit down and talk about this. You're a TEAM and need to work together to make sure that your/his home runs smoothly. Dishes may need to wait until your daughter is in bed. House-cleaning may not get done. You may need to purchase easy, ready-made meals that your husband can throw together while you entertain your daughter. You can't do EVERYTHING, but your husband should decide what he wants to do rather than you assigning him a job. He can't expect you to do all of the things you were doing as a stay-at-home mom now that you're working - there are only so many hours in the day.
Girl! LASH out at him! Don't hide your anger.
He works during the day....fine
You wake up, take the baby to daycare, go to work, come home, clean the house, cook dinner, deal with the baby, do dishes, and everything else. Where is your time? He can sit on the couch watching TV or whatever while your still working. That is NOT right. I'm young, and not married, but I can tell thats not right. He needs to help you, he can take HIS child outside, go to the store, give you time to get things done and after while your putting her to bed do the freakin dishes. It's not that hard, he is just being lazy and disrespecting you.
You need to lash out on him and let him know it's not fair he expects you to do everything with no help. If he decides not to help, guess he can start cooking his own freakin dinner now cant he?
I know things seem really hectic right now, but things will settle down soon... Your daughter is only one, she is now getting used to going to daycare and not being with you all day; you and your husband are adjusting to your new schedules with you being back to work full time. I think this is all normal when figuring out a new schedule, how it is or isn't working for your family... I think your arguments are stemming from your frustration with your daughter's crying for you and your husband's insensitivity towards understanding your expectations from him... If you can, try bringing your daughter into the kitchen when you're cooking or putting away the dishes... It's amazing how tupperware and utensils can fascinate a toddler! I am not sure what advice to offer for your husband but try compromising with maybe alternating days with doing dishes, that may help!
Good luck and hang in there! It will get better!!!
let me just say IT DOES get easier. this is your first child. he doesn't know what to do just as you don't. (that is okay..we all have been first time parents) i have found that to get accross to a man you don't argue about what he needs to do. he takes offense to that and all it does is start a huge fight. what you have to do is: 1. be patient 2. if you need help ask ';honey can i get you to do me a favor?'; 3. when he has done that give him praise. not to much but enough to let him know that he is needed and appreciated.
as for your daughter, check out the link i have attached hopefully it will help. also, you need to teach your daughter that she is not the only one that u have to take care of. since she is so clingy you may want to teach her how to unload the dishwasher. you can teach her to be your little helper.
when my children were able to walk i would show them where things went. i started off w/ little things. like when you unload the dishes i opened the cabinet to where i put the tupperware and gave my little one a bowl and showed him to put it there. to me it didn't matter how that cabinet looked because u are always searching for tupperware so he would throw it in the cabinet and come back and get another. he had fun and that took a couple of things a way from me.
I'm not married and I'm not a mom, but I'll try my best to help. I think you should have him take your daughter out for the day every weekend so that she can get more comfortable being around the both of you. Every time she runs to you don't pick her up, or all of you should spend time together at once so that it won't be one more than the other. As far as the dishes my bf hates washing them but you two can make an agreement on whoever cooks the other person cleans up and vice versa. It seems like he wants the all around domestic woman but that left with the 80's. Don't end your marriage over something like this work it out. I'm sure it can be frustrating but remember ';til death do us part'; I'm not in your situation but I would do my best to make my marriage work. I think the both of you need to be willing to give a little bit. Hope I helped you....
My husband and I are both working parents and I know what you mean. I do the cooking and cleaning when I get home from work. First I would try to fix what is happening with your daughter because I think he feels bad because his daughter doesn't want anything to do with him. I'm a phone ope-rater and my husband is a welder. Yes he also tells me that his job is harder than mine cause it is physical. We work monday through friday. So I do minimum cleaning on the week days and only cook at night nothing other than that. To regards to your daughter I would have your husband take her to the park or do something with his daughter by himself on the weekend because eventually she will get the idea that sometimes she doesn't just need mommy because daddy's their too. It will allow you to get some alone time and also do the cleaning on the weekend. Plus I look up on the internet 20-30 min easy meals to cook that are great to allow me to spend sometime with my husband and child at night. Good Luck
Plus having a child was never said to be easy you need to talk and compromise.
He sounds a bit immature to me, what is his mother like??? the reason I ask this is because my husband is similar, and his parents used to do everything for him. I used to nag and go on but nothing changed. My advice would be to tell him once that you are not happy and please could he help more around the house and leave it at that for 2 weeks, ignore any back lash and see if things change. Get on with things but don't bite back he may start to realise he is wrong, if not and he carries on taking you for granted I would either stay and be un happy or think about leaving which isn't what you want for a child.
Try counseling. It is worth trying to save your marriage. Was your husband unwilling to help before the baby? This is one of those things that should have been discussed before the baby got here. I am currently pregnant, and my husband understands that things are going to change after the baby gets here. He knows he is really going to have to help out with house work and taking care of the baby. You and your husband need to spend quality time with the baby so that your husband can have a chance to bond. Once the baby gets use to daddy, that should give you a chance to do other things.
Heather B,
If he is not mature enough to handle his responsibilities, then maybe you need to look at what is best for you and your child.
Counseling is good, but it will not help if he doesn't want to participate and/or cooperate.
Is it wrong when a woman goes into the working field, and expects her husband to come home, help her fix dinner, help her clean up, and spend quality time whether it be for themselves or their family?
HELL NO!!!!!!!!!, and if these men don't start considering this, there is going to be a lot more separations, and divorces!
WE have feelings to, and if men would learn to ';roll up their sleeves';, and make us feel and know that we are appreciated, then we may would go ';that extra mile'; in supporting them.
You are not a ***** for asking him to help. He helped create her, he should help raise her and maintain a household. I feel for you. I do not have kids yet, I have heard the same stories as yours from my friends. I would tell him you want to go to counseling. You have got to get help. Tell him to do it or you are gone. If he expects supper to be ready, he should get off his *** and cook it. Men--wth. I am so sorry. I hope he comes around. Give it some more time, maybe he will. I will pray for you.
I know it's a difficult time that you're going through and it just feels like nothing will ever get better. If your daughter got over her separation anxiety, would that make a world of difference? Or would you still be upset with the fact that you're expected to do the majority of the household work while he gets to relax?
Think about it this way. He's probably also feeling very rejected by your daughter is she cries and screams when she's alone with him. How hard must that be on him?
There are ways around your problems. Is it possible to hire a maid? Can he pick up something for dinner twice a week so that your home life can be more calm for at least those two days? (No one will have to cook or clean up, just throw stuff in the garbage.) Try small things like this first--you guys have to build up some sort of system that's not going to come into play anytime soon. Little by little you have to both figure out together what your solutions might be.
Since the beginning of time men have felt that they work harder than we do. You know what some of that is all about? Most men feel that it's THEIR job to bring home the money...even when their wives work. It's not that the don't count your hard work as well, but they feel the burden of responsibility. When you stayed home with your daughter for the first year of her life, he probably felt like you were lucky to do that and wished that he could have as well. Nope--he couldn't because someone had to bring home the money. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm just trying to get you to see his side of it.
I hope for your child's sake you won't leave the relationship. I know it's rough--believe me! But there are solutions that you can try before giving up. First things first...I would try finding ways to break the separation anxiety cycle. That might be a big help for you and for your husband.
Try simplifying things. On the weekends cook some extra meals that can be reheated during the week When you do cook on a work night, make extra that can be quickly made into another dinner. Use paper plates so that there are less dishes to wash. If you each agree to rinse your own cups and glasses it will cut down on that chore.
As your daughter gets older, involve her in helping you.
Good luck.
Quit your job to be a stay at home mom until your daughter gets older. Now before all of the feminists on here report me for being a jack-a**, just know that you have to get your priorities straight. If your man is working hard and providing for his family, you should feel honored to take care of the house and kid while he is working. Being a stay at home mother is a very honorable job in and of itself. I'm not saying NO women should work, but if it is creating family issues, then you should change it.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment