Hello, I wanted to get some opinions here. I am 25 and been with my hubby since I was 15. We have grown together and had lots of good and bad times..as most marriages do. But for the past year or a bit longer, my husband has been drinking pretty heavily. I have a problem with this. I have talked to him numerous times about this and help. He always says he will quit, but tomorrow. I am at my breaking point. He is a very good man, better than I can ask for. But this is a real issue for me. Its too much, everyday as soon as he gets home from work. I dont like the way he is, I feel like Im with another man all the time. Not who Im in love with. My feelings for him seem to be fading. I love him with all my heart, but I cannot stand another day of this. Money issues, fights, ect. Last night, after he had plenty..he wanted me to take my usual trip back up and buy more. I told him no and kinda freaked. All had built up and I finally told him I think I was falling out of love with him.Need some good advice on my marriage issue PLEASE...men and women, thanks?
Within a marraige every person changes, its part of growing up. Some turn out to be totally different people, some have mix of but new and old. We might like or not like this new changing person i.e. fall out of love, but that is all part of our growth.
You and your husband are on a similar track. The person you fell in love with and married is taken over by a person who is drunk all the time whom you dislike. If your timing for snapping at him was right or wrong it does not matter. What now matters is if he changes his ways do you still want to be with him?
If the answer is yes, then that is what you got to work on. I think you did hit the message home in anger, now you have to deliver the same message with love. Talk to him, tell him you love the sober person and hate the drunk. Tell him the drunk person is taking over his life and ruining our marriage. You are still in love but with the sober person and not with the alcoholic. Tell him once again, that you are there to help him and right beside him through his detox process. And that he is a strong man and he can do it. Tell him that you know deep down inside he is a very caring, loving and repectful husband, but the alcohol blocks it out. Tell him you love him and want to be with him only if he agrees to get some help for his problem. Tell him you know it wont be easy it might take a few tried, but you are right beside him to love him and hold him.
I hope this helps. good luckNeed some good advice on my marriage issue PLEASE...men and women, thanks?
I am glad it is going good for you. Hang in there both of you and good luck. Report Abuse
Not easy being married to a drunk, I know that first hand.
I can't tell you what you should do, I can only tell you what I did. I left...but he was also being abusive. May I suggest getting in touch with one of the support groups for families of alcoholics? That might be a good place to start...give you some sort of foundation for the choices you will have to make in your life and whether to live with or without an alcoholic.
You did say the right thing. Nothing to feel guilty about.
What is happening is that he is falling in self pity due to the alcohol and is trying to make YOU feel guilty. That's the thing with alcoholic. He won't admit he has a problem.
What you need to do now, is to leave him. To make him make a choice between alcohol and you.
A separation doesn't equal giving up on your marriage.
What you do when getting separated to someone you love, you are sending them a clear message: get your acts together OR...
He needs you to act tough with him.
He needs a reality check for the penny to drop.
If you are not strong enough, you'll end up supporting his addiction and he'll die or you'll just condemn yourself to a life of misery.
Tell him and mean it. : I'm leaving you until you sort yourself out. You have to make a choice. I love you, but you love the bottle more. So, it's me or the drink. Make up your mind.
been there, done that....my solution was to divorce him before i literally ended up in a padded room, and since i had 2 small children to think about, that was NOT an option!
i, too, loved him with all my heart -- until i began to hate him. but it's a personal decision that no one can make for you...everyone can deal with different amounts of different problems, i reached my breaking point and had to ask him to leave.
think long and hard, but chances are he won't quit soon, and may not quit at all. kinda weird, though, it sounds like he started drinking out of the blue...can you nail it down to anything particular that set him off to start?
don't give up quite yet, not until there's nothing to continue for...took me 10 years of marriage. you may want to try focusing on the cause of the drinking rather than the drinking itself to try to get to the bottom of it.
adjust in life and care your hus to help from drink
It sounds like your hubby might be having some problems of his own right now. If he is drinking more and more than what he ever did before, it might be due to depression. He could be trying to drink his feelings away. You said what you had to in order to get his attention. Maybe now that you have it, he will listen. Do not give up on him yet though, it really does sound like he might be suffering from depression and should see a doctor for it to get on medications. Another reason I think that might be the issue, besides the drinking, is also the way he put himself down after you said that stuff to him. Try to get him in for some help, before you give up on your relationship, especially if things are great without the alcohol.
I am RIGHT NOW in the same boat as you.
But, no matter how much we talk, hollar, tell him we don't like it...they're adults and gonna do it anyways.
I left mine for a while, he slowed down when I came back, but got comfortable again, (I am assuming never quit) and we're back to square 1...I still don't like it, and he's gonna do it.
I have just decided to not worry about him drinking, because I don't, and I know that I'll always be sober to take care of whats needed around here, he goes out and get's the ';bacon'; so he needs time to relax.
I have just one rule, He cannot drive when he starts drinking and he goes along with that one.
It's one of those, I just give up things, beccause he's gonna do it whether I like him to or not.
I have been and still am at my wits end with this, hoping someday he'll realize how friggin' stupid it is, and how much he's missed.
Things that helped, but caused a few arguments:
1. Don't run to the store for him, if he's got the problem, then he needs to go get what he wants before he starts drinking.
This one will piss him off, because once he's done with what he bought, you should have his keys (see no. 2) and he can't go anywhere to get any more. Hard sober up period.
2. Make him aware that he is not to drive while he's drinking and that if he wants to continue this you need his keys to his car. Form of punishment, they want a mom, now they got one.
Realize it's only for love, not really being nasty.
3. If he gets pulled over for any reason, DWI, wrong place wrong time, etc...
Let him sit there for the night or whatever.
Mine called me one nite, and I let him sit there for a while, when we woke up, we went to find his keys, he didn't know who had them. I yelled at him for about 2 hours (hangover period, head hurts, etc NEARLY got my own AZZ locked up cause I was not stop yelling at him), when he got out of my car (prolly the happiest moment in his life..LOL), and found his keys and truck, I told him, don't do this again, cause next time I am not savin' your AZZ.
Caused a fight the next day, but got my point across, I was pissed off and tired of all his drinkin' BS
Now he's careful and not get pulled over because everytime we pass that place, I tell him, DON'T FORGET..YOU'LL SIT IN THIS TOWN. (3 hours from home-he goes to school)
WE KNEW IT WHEN WE MARRIED THEM!!!
I personally have given up the fight wtih mine about this, as long as he doesn't drive after he starts.
BTW...mine is not physically abusive to me or my kids, except for us having to be watching him do it.
You are doing the right thing by telling him how you feel and how is alcohol abuse is affecting you. You have ten years together, your husband needs you now. Talk to him about counseling, tell him you want this marriage to work but if he doesn't get help you may have to leave. You have to be strong. Try to think if it was you with the problem, what would you want from your spouse? I wish you luck. It will be hard because he has to WANT help in order for this to work.
I suggest ala-non. It is free, there are meetings everywhere. You could call a counselor (any psychologist in your phone book) if alanon is not specifically mentioned. Good luck, this might help your marriage--it will definitely help you.
He's using guilt to make you feel sorry for him. By him saying he is not a good father, etc.
Tell him what you told us, that you would rather be single than deal with this stuff.
You are too young to deal with a lifetime like this. Do everything you can to make him get help before this gets out of control. He probably can quit this behavious on his own but he has to want to do it.
The longer you stay there and tolerate it, even if you get pissed at him, is just enabling him to continue being this way.
If you leave him, he will probably use that as an excuse to drink even more.
Gently suggest to him that if he is unable to keep his promise to quit on his own that there are ways to get help.
Check out AA's website, maybe you can get some ideas there
www.alcoholics-anonymous.org
I was once that guy! I am married to a wonderful woman and i think RebeccaD and theoptomist have some very good points. I bet there is alot more going on in his life than you know. Probably some financial issues, maybe he is balding a little or putting on some weight, maybe he got passed over for a promotion, maybe he feels he is on a dead end street with his career. I had all those issues and more and I ended up having an affair. It was the worst thing ever because it really hurt my wife when she found out. Right now he needs someone to listen to him and not judge him! He knows he is doing wrong and to judge him is likely to push him further away. Now that does not mean that you are not honest with him. You are exactly right to say what you did and be honest, now it is time for him to be honest with himself!!! My wife and I are still married and now we are stronger than ever. I have had several offers for affairs but have turned them down and even told my wife about the offers. Catch him when he is not drinking and tell him just what you said, you love him but you are not in love with him. Do not leave God out of this equation because I was once a minister and then after I left the ministry is when I started drinking and messing around. Pray like you have never prayed before and set the example for him. If he sees you praying for your marriage, it will touch his heart. He may never say anything publically but it will not go unnoticed. He likely does not like himself right now and that is his way of dealing with things. I pray God's blessings on your home.
if he's not willing too get help then there is no stopping Him but if he won't stop i hate to say the are there kids involved and if i were you i would probably get out of the situation then if he really changed and things could be the same again then try to go back to your normal life and tell him you want to get help and you go every step of the way with him and do it together and he needs to think about your feelings just you need to think about his feeling but there is a limit to the. drinking and i don't not minding a friend i have having a little but i do not and he is not aloud to get really drunk around my children they are not aloud to see the alcohol but i will realy think about how you want the rest of your life to be
he is not being a good fathe rif he showing his children this is waht life leads to but and he is trying to make you feel bas don/t stick to your guns it is going to get really rough i rally wish you alot of luck . i left my childrens father cause he would get of a drug and couldn't take it anymore best thing in my life i ever did
talk to him when he is not drunk... may be in the morning.
tell him that its taking your life away.
tell him how you are hurt.
Most important tell him that you are not controlling him.
tell that its our relation and its getting hurt and i feel lonely.
He sounds like he's on the road to alcohol abuse, if he isn't there already. Be firm with him and tell him that you two MUST seek help ';or else.'; Be down-right honest with him; you'd rather be single than put up with this for the rest of your life. You just love him too much to let him continue doing this to himself.
Good luck!
Life is not easy Some thing not right for him.He must love you a lot Get help. Look at the way his dad was. This well help. and tell you where you are going. A lot of time the past tell the future. Look in to his past.
Showing and explaining your real feelings- not the reaction feelings, but being really open and honest. Did you tell him the things you said in the question- ';He is a very good man, better than I can ask for...I feel like I'm with another man.[when he drinks]...'; You aren't doing anything wrong by being honest. Marriage should be about honesty and our husbands should be the only people that know us better than anyone. We should never be afraid to tell them how we feel or think our feelings are invalid.
I would also pray that God would soften his heart and open his ears to what you have to say before you talk to him. And that God would show you the reason he is drinking so heavily, because there is something at the root of it all that triggered it. When I started having episodes of getting drunk, I know it was because I felt like my life was done, I missed (never went) the college fun party time, got married right away, only had been with one person, had kids right away. The pressure can just build up on you. But when my husband told me his feelings about it and I realized how much I hurt him, I was like I didn't miss anything. I want to be with my husband and my kids and I don't need all that other stuff. Lots of people long to find their ';soul mate'; and have a family. And I am so grateful to have such a supportive husband and of course I love my beautiful children. And we need to be supportive wives (which I hadn't been for awhile) and stick by our men.
Nicki, do you have kids with him? If you do, then tell him for your children's sake they deserve a father who is willing to get help for his drinking problem and he must seek help or you will leave, then mean it.
If you don't have kids, it will be SO much easier for you to give him his space without worrying about your little darlin's missing Daddy. Just leave, give the relationship a healing period where he can hit his rock bottom and decide his future with you or not. Don't chase him and lead the relationship, I'm there and once you lead you ALWAYS have to lead and you'll feel no sense of fulfillment or happiness...
He sounds like my husband. You have two choices as I see it. Accept his behavior and stay. Or leave. If you have talked to him about his drinking and he continues, he has a problem and needs to get help. Him telling you that he's a failure and such is a ploy for you to build him up. Sure he feels bad, but he probably needs help to get over this. You have a tough decision to make. My husband talks about quitting all the time. I've decided to stay, but I know what you mean about wanting you husband back. Mine is a different person when drinking too. I pray alot for him and hope that someday he takes care of himself. Until then, I enjoy my sober times with him. I married him, I work it out.
I know you may not want to hear this but you may have to go see a doc. to work it all out. For the realtionship and his problem. My dad is doing this to my mom every night when he comes home. She calls me crying and upset. She said just like you that he has become a different man. I don't know how my mom does it but she puts up with it. But when she goes to bed it is on her mind and it drives her up the walls.
If that can't be done I wish be best for you and him! Good Luck Hun! : )
What did he say?
You need to talk to him when he's NOT drinking, maybe this weekend, and let him know that his drinking every day as soon as he gets home from work is becoming a huge problem. Let him know that he needs to take steps to GET HELP. Saying he's going to get help isn't the same as actually, physically getting help.
First, I don't think u were bad or being mean for what you said, it's true %26amp; his alcoholism makes him selfish...only caring about the drink when you have asked him repeatedly to quit drinking. My suggestion is that you do one of two things, give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't quit drinking or get help that you will leave him %26amp; take the kid(s). This is sometimes what it takes to get addicts to quit...and you shouldn't feel bad for this. If you guys don't have money for treatment, maybe go to interventiontv.com, its the website for that show intervention...i think it provides useful info on how to get help. I hope all goes well..your in my thoughts %26amp; prayers!
I dont feel like you said anything wrong. This has been a problem for over a year.
Sometimes it takes the one that person loves the most to get brutially honest so they open their eyes. You have a family, and he needs to realize this.
What I would do if I were in you place (and I understand that's easy to say) is try to find out why the drinking started in the first place. And why is have became an every night habit.
Since this has been going on for over a year, he might need further help than you. He might need counseling. And if he doesnt think it's a good idea I would simply ask him if it was worth it to him for you and his family.
My mother drank for many years...It was very hard to get her to stop, she did do it without counseling. But it did take alot. I hope everything works out for, and I wish you the best of luck
I think you did the right thing in telling him your feelings and refusing to get him more alcohol. He will have to choose what he wants, either to get help for his problems, talk about his problems with you, or straighten up and take you seriously, especially since he knows that your feelings are fading.
If he cannot do this, then I would think that living with situation is not something you would want, especially for another 10, 20, or 30 years, and you will know the time to take actions.
Good Luck.
He is an alcoholic- alcohol has ruined his marriage, so he has a serious drinking problem. Talk to a counselor as soon as possible. Join Al-Anon.
I suggest that you have an experienced counselor arrange an intervention. You get a group of family members together and surprise him and tell him he needs to go to rehab and have it all ready so he just goes then and if he doesn't go, then you go.
The old myth that he has to want to do it for it to work has been proven untrue. People can be forced into treatment and it can be just as effective as the people who do it on their own initiative.
Laura Bush forced George to do a Christian substance abuse program by threatening to leave with the kids. It happens all the time.
I work with people who have substance abuse problems (crim defense lawyer). I do not tell them to stop drinking. I tell them to go do substance abuse treatment. I tell them to get into programs like church, counseling, 12 step programs. The ones who think they can just do it on their own don't succeed usually. Then, they drink more because they feel that they are failures and will never be able to stop drinking.
It is better to find an effective program than just to rely on willpower. He needs more than willpower or he would have already stopped drinking.
Meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself. It is extremely difficult to live with an alcoholic. You need a support system. Try a good church and a good Al-Anon group and counseling.
Best wishes.
he's laying on the thickest guilt trip with you right now and you can even see it b/c you are so in love. the drinking most likely wont stop and what you need to do is get some counseling. but find a marriage councilor that also knows and can help with substance abuse
blessings and luck to you
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