Dont know where to start........I'll give you a rough out line.
My husband and I have been happily married for 14years and together for 17, we meet young, I was 15 and he was 19.
We married after our fisrt born son was 11 months old and I was 18, we had our second son years later.
Our first son was born with many problems and in the last 9yrs he had been in care.
5years ago I found a porno mag in my husbands work bag, I was shocked and sad to no end, I then realised he had been watching movies too behind my back for the last 12months.
He swore to no end that he had made a mistake and it would never happens again, he even started going to church with me and to what I thought he had become a christian too, than 6 months ago I found him looking at porn on the computure and I left and spent the night at a friends home.
I feel so let down and many other feelings too, too hard to describe right now.
I have tried to let it go and forgive him but I have found myself depressed, lonely and I feel like I am no longer good enough but at the same time I know I deserve better.
I am a christian and have stuggled with the forgiveness of him and what the right thing to do is............
I have tried really hard over the last few years but feel he will again at some point do it again.
I have never worked as he has always liked to support me but now I feel alittle trapped with now where to go, no money of my own and no job.
To be honest the whole job thing freaks me out and because of my own lack of confidence now I feel I would not be liked at work, fit in or even know what on earth I was doing.
I just feel like crying all the time, My Mum said it was my own fault, I had gained some weight at the time, my brother said he is a mechanic what did i expect, my best friend, i feel she is secretly happy about it all.
What do I do, I hate myself, I hate life and dont know how or where to start over.Need some advice on marriage and porn?
First off, I'm sorry you are hurting. I know it feels like he is emotionally cheating on you.
Are you seriously saying you would leave given the means?
I can tell you God wouldn't want that. You've made this a bigger mess by spreading this all around. A lot of time we guise gossiping (sin) as looking for advice or prayer support.
A lot of christians fall into the trap of ranking sins. Like: ';I know I'm not perfect, but I'd never . . . '; Biblically none of us are equipped to judge in this way. Eating for purposes other than to sustain and strengthen the body is a sin. Lacking confidence is a sin, you are saying you are not capable - which is saying know better than God. To hate God's gift of life is a sin. Anything that does not draw us closer to God is a sin. Want to rank them all?
We are not to forgive because God wants us to, but because we are duty bound to forgive. Christ suffered on the cross and at the hands of Satan as someone innocent -- to pay for your sins - which are far greater than this sin your husband has committed against you. So God through Christ forgives you, but you can withhold forgiveness from your husband?
A parable comes to mind. The parable of a man who threw himself on the mercy of a rich man, who forgave this man of a large debt. This newly debt free man then immediately went and had someone else thrown in jail for failure to pay him a much smaller debt . . . this is just as outrageous as your behavior.
When we are saved we are given a new soul that desires to never sin again. But that new soul still operates within the flesh, in the context of a world that caters to every sin.
You are right, this very well may happen again. But he seems to know it is wrong. He seems to desire to do right. Give him support rather than condemnation. Put child filtering software on the computer, that only you have the unlock code for (with teens in the house it's not a bad idea anyway). Keep the computer in an open area, like the living room or kitchen. Have an open work bag on the kitchen table policy. Get rid of TVs in private areas. Find him a christian mentor. Someone he can be responsible to daily, and who can guide him on his new christian walk.
Do you ever say you'll work out and take care of the body God gave you, then you don't follow through for long (sin)? It is the same thing. He can't do it alone, create an environment and system for success. Good intentions only go so far in a world full of temptation.
Be a model of Christ's love and forgiveness to your husband. This will not only change your husband's life, but also your own.
Life is all about perspective. I hope this helped yours.Need some advice on marriage and porn?
WOW you are over reacting to this, guys will watch porn no matter what! Its just something that happens and you have to accept it. Don't do anything too drastic about this situation.
Honey, if you cant beat him, join him.
porn is addicting
I am sorry that you hate yourself right now, none of this is your fault at all and I understand your point of view on the porn and what the bible and church say about it, it's cheating if your lusting after anyone else.all you can do is have a good talk with him and tell him how it makes you feel let him know if he doesn't stop you will get a divorce thats not what you want to do but you can't live like that. for all those who say its ok I can tell you looking at porn always leads to cheating.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_looking_at_鈥?/a>
1st of all you need to cut your man some slack. Its a porno mag. That's all. He loves you and all. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He doesn't cheat. He just watched porn. Enjoys magazines.
Your trying to change a mans human nature. And what is going to happen with all this Christian talk and you trying to change him, is he will find another vice and it will be something worse than before.
What hes doing is not illegal. Porn is so readily available in todays society. 7-11s the computer you dont ever have to find it. It finds you. Porn is a billion dollar business. This is common. But get over yourself or things are going to get worse.
I'm sorry for your hurt feelings but you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I am not married, but I still feel i have an answer for you.
Since you are a girl, you may not be able to understand this (not being sexist), but, its is very much possible, and really, normal, for a guy to look at porn but still love somebody. I promise this is true. Men are visually turned on (as everyone knows) and masturbation is just a release. %26amp; sometimes guys just don't want to go through the whole actually having sex routine sometimes. because most guys want to have sex a Lot more times than any partner would be willing too.
If the porn is excessive you then maybe there is a problem, %26amp; then i really don't have advice. but if thats not the case..
This may sound new-agey and every christian tenet you've ever had will tell you I'm wrong but the truth of it is, ';it's not that big of a deal.';
every guy everywhere looks at porn. if you find me one that doesn't, its because he doesn't have an internet connection.
So to sum up. It's not you, and its also not him. Its just what it is. don't let what you 'the church' tell you hurt the beautiful relationship god gave you. they don't know what they are talking about and just want money. ( im agnostic, guilty. sorry :)
so thats my bit. good luck.
I agree with all these ppl, get in shape, have a new hair cut, look good for him, be confident, maybe thats the main reason y he looks at porn, maybe he feels u r not taking a good care of urself to him...when u know he watched porn, ignore it and don't talk abt it...
The porn thing isn't in itself a bad thing,you have made it so. To you ,it's taboo but it is in fact quite normal. I think the secrecy of it has hurt you more than anything so why not watch it with him and liven up your love life ? You can still be a Christian and enjoy a bit of porn but don't make him feel guilty and force him to watch it behind your back. Many women watch it with their man,including me................
It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Perhaps it is just a phase, he didnt get it when he was young like most men do, so he is making up for it now. perhaps with your christian ways, he didn't want to offend you by putting it under the bathroom sink like most men do, he hid it. It is common for men to watch porn. However why don't you try something different. I watch porn with my husband on occasion, however since you feel so strongly about it, perhaps you can do something else to spicen your love life. I'm sure that is not a sin. There are games you can play, and books you can read with different sexual activities so the marriage won't become boring, and sex a habitual chore. why not go out and get new lingerie? and suprise him by wearing it for him? why not go out to your local sex store (and it is embarrasing the first time, however it is completely natural and lots of couples do this) and pick out something together to try in the bedroom? if you are closed to these ideas, you can always try convincing him to go to a therapist who specializes in these sorts of things, because porn is an addiction like any other. you could also get a lock for the computer so he would be unable to look up porn on it. there are several ways to fix this problem. you just have to decide which route is best for your marriage and doesnt compromise your religious beliefs. good luck and god bless.
I felt similar to you about this a couple of years ago. Not anymore.
Men really like porn. They often hide it because you don't accept it. I even watch some now (tasteful kind :-) with him. You need to examine, or maybe you already know, why it upsets you so much. Do you feel threatened, jealous, etc. Men always look. There is such a thing as porn addiction and that will wreck your marriage. Search it, it's very interesting.
A part-time job to start would probably do your self-esteem a world of good. Talk to people out there about life. Make some friends. If you feel he has a real problem with being porn addicted (like, you two do not have sex, etc) you both can see a therapist.
Women! stop having a problem with porn and guys wont have to hide it! We do NOT look at porn because we're not attracted to you. We look because we have fantasies. It has NOTHING to do with you in fact so get over it. OF COURSe he's gonna tell you he won't do it again, he doesn't want to hurt you because HE LOVES YOU!
If he misses the mortgage because he spent the rent at a strip club or buying over-priced fetish movies, then you have a problem. Men do not look at porn because there is anything wrong with their wives, or that they are no longer attracted to them. Men look at porn because men MASTURBATE. They are visually stimulated, and looking at porn expedites the process.
You are leaving your husband because he is looking at and/or watching porn behind your back. He wants to be respectful of your feelings or beliefs, but probably thinks the request is ridiculous, and has a hard time honoring it. He works and enjoys providing for the family, has been with you for 17 years. It sounds like you have a much better man than the majority of married women out there.
no offense, but if you are willing to leave him for this, perhaps you are holding your standards higher for any man to meet. Remember, there is only 1 perfect man, and he lived about 2000 years ago. Accept that he enjoys porn. You don't have to watch with him, but know that it is to help him release a product of his body that HAS to be release in some way.
personally i dont think its that a big of deal. i know to u it is. but if its a daily thing, constantly then u need to do something. honey dont hate yourself. gain some confidence. write in a journel join a yoga class or cardio class at the gym. make yourself happy. i think right now you are just a wreck no offense. breath calm down and think. dont just forget about it. becuz although some people dont mind the spouse looking at porn there are others who strongly disagree with that. tell your husband how it really makes you feel and tell him how much it hurts you. dont listen to your mom and brother..its absurd what they said and for your best friend...drop it. worry about first, you and then deal with your relationship. everything is going to be ok
You never mentioned if you love this man or not. Is he a good father? A devoted husband? Is he kind and caring? Does he love you? Is he good to you? You met at a very young age and had children young. He has never dated in the sense that young people do. It's just curiosity. Pornography does not make a person stray. That is an absurd notion. Many happily married men (and couples) partake in this to various degrees. It is a private matter. It doesn't have anything to do with his love for you. It is separate. Men can do this as their make up is different and hard wired. You need to put this into perspective. It is not a deal breaker in a marriage. Abuse, neglect, lack of love, anger issues, cheating with another woman are deal breakers. It is not about your weight. He's with you because he wants to be. You need to absolutely recognize this is not as huge as you're letting it become. You don't need to start over. If you can be honest with yourself and answer the above questions with a yes, then you should be thanking God for sending this man to you. So many marriages are unhappy ones due to placing unreasonable expectations on a spouse who otherwise is a good human being.
I think you need to get over it. It isn't like he was out sleeping with other women. As for your brother, he needs a kick in the teeth, just because someone has a certain profession does not mean that they should be categorized into certain behavioral groups.
as for being a christian, how is looking at porn any different than premarital sex?
Ok,
1. NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE. There is no argument in the world that should make you run from your family. So you never run away from your problems again.
2. You're making this rather small problem into a huge catastrophe that is affecting your job, your mothering, your relationship with your family, and your confidence.
It's a problem, no doubt about it. But blowing it up into a huge mess isn't going to help solve it. You're running around like a headless chicken! Calm down!
3. Your mother, albeit in an abrasive way, was trying to put you on a logical path.
This is an opportunity to address some things that would only have gotten worse if you hadn't found the magazine.
You're not going to let a porno mag ruin YOUR marriage are you?
So, resolve yourself to fixing it!
a) You've gained weight? Fine! Lose it!
b) Have you been a little disinterested in the bedroom over the pass few years. Time to tune that up a little (and have some fun too!)
c) Ever honestly asked your husband what turns him on? Do so and don't be fearful of what you hear. Find some way to incorporate it into your sex life.
d) Whenever you're feeling fearful or anxious about it, do something nice for your husband. Even if it's just to send him a little text or give him a kiss on the cheek...anything! Turn your FEAR into something positive!
e) You're already thinking about divorcing him? How Christian is that exactly? For shame! This is not adultery, nor abuse, or abandonment! So some Christian courage!
Good Luck!
I know everyone has different opinions on porn so your going to get a lot of ';get over it thats what guys do answers'; but Im not a big fan of porn myself...unless my husband and I are watching it together or something...but the main issue here is that YOU don't like it and it hurts you, your self esteem, and yourself as a whole and your husband isn't respecting you or how you feel about porn or more importantly, how it affects you personally and makes you feel. And thats not right at all cuz obviously its a huge deal to you and he knows this must not have cared and has already promised and failed to keep that promise. He's going to do it again and believe me, you'll only catch him about 1 outta every 100 times he's doing it. I personally think he doesn't respect you like he should and like you deserve as a wife, mother, and woman cuz if he can't stop looking at images on the computer, tv, whatever, for the sake of his wife's happiness and self worth than he's pathetic!! And if it is that big of an issue to you than maybe you might have to think about what you want to put up with and what you don't. And its not your fault whatsoever!! Doesn't matter if you gained weight, have a few more wrinkles or whatever, looks obviously don't last forever and everybody grows older including your husband, so don't give him that lame *** pathetic excuse cuz I doubt he's a perfect 10 either! He's suppose to love and respect you cuz you are who you are on the inside...not cuz you were ten pounds lighter 10 years ago!! and he's not doing that!! And all these answers your going to get that say ';get over it thats what guys do'; DON'T for one second believe this and give guys a free pass to disrespect, degrade, and devalue their wives and girlfriend's by some lame *** crap like that. I know a lot of guys who aren't porn freaks and totally and completely respect their women and treat them wonderfully...I think a lot of women need to demand more respect from men nowadays...call me old school or something i guess...
Its normal for guys to look at porn. My ex girlfriend made Jessica Alba look bad, and we had an amazing sex life, and guess what i still looked at porn. And yes she freaked out when she caught me. I'm afraid you just have to get used to it. He only told you he wouldn't do it to make you happy. Also no offence but your family don't know what they're talking about. Don't listen to them. Having more sex, getting more fit, fulfilling each others fantasies... These things will make him do it less as his sex life (this includes masterbation) will be too full of you!
your situation is a tough one... sorry, but i can't believe your mother said it was your own fault...that was RUDE!! is your friend helping you through the situation b/c the more people on your side the better it makes the situation. wait it out. try to find a job somewhere... you will adjust. you'll make friends and start making your own money...you'll be living your own life...as for your husband...just confront him about this..and if the porn bothers you that bad,
just leave him if he does look at porn again.
I have every sympathy for you. I hate the 'men are visual creatures' line that always comes out on these questions. Maybe if there wasn't so much porn for men they wouldn't think about sex so much. Don't blame yourself or your figure. bet your husband is no adonis but you don't seek pictures of fit, good loking guys do you. I consider it cheating and when my ex wouldn't stop looking at porn I found someone else who wanted me so it was quits. Let him look at porn and you find yourself a nice young man to keep you happy. Your husband doesn't deserve you.
First of all, I know you love your mother, but what she said was just plain out of line. NO ONE should ever say anything like that to someone else, let alone a mother to her own daughter. Sounds to me like your mom doesn't care about your marriage.
Secondly, don't listen to all the other people that have commented that 'porn isn't that big of a deal'. If they were true Christians, you know they're answers would be different. I think for honest, good advice, you need to talk to your pastor, or maybe a pastor of another church, to avoid bringing that awkwardness between the pastor and your husband the next time he's in church.
Honey, you know in your heart that pornography is wrong, that's why you feel so uncomfortable about it; it's called intuition and it's usually right. Just because it is the natural order of things for a man to be sexually aroused visually, does not mean it is RIGHT. The Bible says we are born into sin (so it's only natural for him to want to look at other naked women doing sexual things instead of his wife), but Jesus took that sin away from us so we can have a CHOICE to sin or not. Right now, your husband is choosing to sin. He may not see it as a sin, but he knows how you feel about it, and in my opinion, if your spouse has a problem with something, then you shouldn't be doing it, no matter how you personally feel about it.
Proverbs 6:25-27 says, ';Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?';
Pornography is only the beginning of a vicious cycle that will ultimately hurt you, your husband, and your marriage beyond repair. You need to seek marital counseling immediately, preferably with a pastor, or even private counseling sessions with a pastor. Your husband needs to understand just how dangerous opening this gateway can be, and the consequences of his actions.
I will pray for both of you. Please keep us updated on how everything works out between you. God bless.
hiiiiii :) im only 16... and i dont no anything about marriage but i think u should be happy that he's watching porn and not cheating on u..
i honostly think ur over reacting waay to much! and maybe u should consider pleasing ur husband moree...
and ur brother shouldn't generalize... look don't leave him over sumthing so little... maybe use should sit there and talk about it.. understand why he is watching it. but try not to yell at him because all he is gna do is go behind ur back..
just be open with him :)
You should be glad he's just looking at porn and not sleeping with anyone else. A lil porn here and there isn't anything to worry about, but if you're not happy with your sex life or your body do something about it. You need to throw some things in there to spice things up. Tell or those negative ppl to piss off and if you're unhappy with something do something about it. If you still love him and loves you, don't worry so much.
Lots of couples face this problem. Consider seeking counseling for both you and your husband, or even talk to your Pastor if you are comfortable with him. Know that this is not your fault and that this is an addicting act that most men can't stop on their own, and even start without reason.
Good Luck.
I am a christian too, I am also married and stay at home. I have caught my husband with porn and understand the hurt you feel. Unfortunately yahoo answers in general is very pro-porn and will not give you much sympathy besides to just tell you its natural and you shouldnt be upset. but they are wrong. also, what a sick horrible thing for your mom to tell you its your fault. how horrible. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Can you go to marriage counseling? I understand how scary the thought of getting a job would be, but you have to be strong. Personally I consider porn cheating (if you even look at another woman with lust in your eye, it is adultery- forgot where that was in the Bible) and cheating is a valid excuse to leave your husband. So perhaps if you can make it a very real consequence for his actions that you will leave, he will wake up and seek help with you. You might have to really leave, you might not. but you must make that clear that it is a possibility, because what he did hurt you and you are left with no other real choice. Porn can be a very strong addiction, and it is not to be taken lightly. he must do what he has to to avoid the temptation.. give you freedom to search his things, take away or put blocks on his internet access, things like that. but this is best worked out with a christian marriage counselor, like perhaps, your pastor. I truly wish the best and hope this has a happy ending!
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