Anger-marriage issues, any advice?

I'm 19, my husband is 21. We've been married for 10 months, together 5 yrs. He recently went active duty, and we moved 5 hours away from our home town. I've NEVER lived on my own before so this is a big change for me. I never had to run a household! I'm overwhelmed and frustrated by everything that has to get done. I'm also incredibly lonely because I don't know anyone here, and I miss my girlfriends back home. I try to tell my husband this, and I try to stay calm but I end up in tears. It's hard for me to watch him happy with all his drinking buddies, while I'm at home trying to figure out how the hell to clean the oven. And now he's been getting ANGRY with me. He tells me that I'm part of the problem that its MY fault I'm lonely, and that he DOES help. He lists the same 3 things over and over. I take out the trash, I throw away food, and I unload dishes. I keep telling him I need MORE from him. Last nightAnger-marriage issues, any advice?
Try to relax. You and your husband are both young, and are still learning to be married adults. I'm NOT faulting either of you, but it hasn't been all that long ago, that you both were schoolkids worried about homework. Now, you are dealing with being away from everyone you knew all your lives, and also with being military, during a war. That IS stressful. Add in being newlyweds, and you would have a lot to deal with, even if you were Ann Landers, and you were married to Dr. Phil. So, you aren't the only ones having these problems; and the military has people to help. Talk to a Chaplin. There ARE support groups around. Get help!!!!! A kid will decide they can handle things themselves. Adults have the sense to know they aren't perfect, and CAN'T do everything. I hope you two laugh about these problems, fifty years from now. And, thank you both for your sacrifices to be in the military. It ain't an easy job. EDIT EDIT EDIT Lady, I've got to apologize. My answer is OK, but so incomplete, it's wrong. I glossed over the temper stupidness totally. No, it isn't OK. It isn't ok cuz he beat the towel racks instead of you. That isn't OK every day, or even every decade. It's just as wrong to scream in your face. Being stressed, or being young isn't ANY excuse. So, HE must get help. Again, the military has people. You have to sit down with your husband and talk. Not scream- talk. Don't raise your voice, or get excited. TELL him that things WILL change. Your marriage will get better, or your marriage will end. Honestly, divorce is much easier than fixing a marriage, so unless BOTH of you are prepared for hard work, just get divorced. Even though a good marriage is better than anything on earth- getting there will take work. Now, I've given attention to hubby's mistakes- How about you? Are YOU crazy? Why nanny? You need to do something to get you out of the house. Look for a job. You are married to a military man, which makes you different from other women. Military women as a group, are the last group to mess with. Get out of the nanny business, talk to some of your felow wives, and take charge of your own life. You don't mention children. If you don't have kids, wait at least a year before stopping birth control. First things first.Anger-marriage issues, any advice?
QUIT the nanny job,Do your best at keeping the house clean.That's somthing you should have discussed before playing house.
Might be time to get a divorce. I don't recommend staying with anyone with a temper like your husband. Not only is his locking you in the bathroom wrong, it is illegal in the US.
You're so young, that's why you are having trouble - you simply haven't the maturity that was needed in a marriage.


Your husband is right - it IS up to you to cultivate new friendships and get involved in the community. He should not required to do much housework, it's not his job - it's yours. And, no, it's not a matter of being a Stepford wife, it's about being a LOVING wife who wants to do the best for her husband and family to be. If you could bring yourself to have a more positive attitude and appreciate what your husband is and what he is doing, then he will STOP the anger, because he will have nothing to be angry about....


You are in control of your own life, and need to grow up FAST! You chose to become married so young, so now just work really hard, and keep your home and marriage together, with a BETTER ATTITUDE!


Good luck, girl!
Maybe you should try talking to him in a public place like a restaurant. He is less likely to show his temper and yell in front of other people. You both have to compromise and sacrifice in a marriage. You should also get to know some of the other women on base and become friends with them. That way you have people to be social with as well as he does and feel so lonely when he is out with his friends.
Ok well first of all the house doesnt have to be spotless every single day. Set up(on paper) a schedule of the house work. Then set it up so that at max you work on the house work for no more than two hours a day. Unless you live in a huge house that should be enough. Vaccuum only the areas where the children played every day- the bedroom etcs can be done only twice a week. Try to get in some housework during the morning-yes I know you have kids so do most of us and we manage to do some housework with them around. Clean the kitchen after the kids have lunch. Dont worry about after breakfast-just stack them up and wait until after lunch. Make the bed and straighten up the bedroom first thing in the morning- then its done.





Take those kids to the park - make it one near the other service mens homes so you can meet other women in the same position. Then you can start to meet some new friends.





Most men dont really worry about the house being spotless -they seem to care more about clutter. Most men hate clutter!! I dont know why. But straighten up the living room as soon as the kids leave for home.





Now at this point what is left to do? The bathrooms, any extra bedrooms you dont use do not need daily cleaning.





It really is a matter of getting used to doing the daily stuff. And most of us do not do every room every day. Laundry can be done while you watch TV unless you have to go to a laundromat. I always watch tv while I fold clothes, and I watch 4 kids every day just like you do.





Write down a housework schedule for yourself and then follow it for a while - if something isnt working for you then you can change it around until you find the schedule working and your load will seem lighter.





Your husband has his job and you have your job and while it doesnt seem fair -in most homes the wife has the housework too. Or at least the majority of it. Recently when I was ill and hospitalized -my husband had to have our neighbor show him how to use the diswasher. He does no housework-but he never complains about the house either.





Good luck I hope some of this helps you some.





If your husbands anger management problem continues -you can go to the base and talk with a counselor BUT I warn you they will talk to him about any problem they think he might have and it will be put in his case file. So if you need to talk with a counselor its usually best to go to a private one-then no problems with his job. However if the pushing and shoving and controlling gets too bad -pack up and go home. Service personnel are notoriously bad when it comes to domestic violence because they are being trained to hurt people. Dont wait too long before going and if it gets real bad talk to someone at his base-his commanding officer's office can refer you to the right person.
My Dear lady,


Both of you are still in your salad days and that's a problem.





I have known exact the same incidences and could relate to them some how.





With time you'll learn remember not to ask from him but to realize what he wants


Do not be a nanny get some better Full time Job.





I can understand that you have to do chores but sometimes you can seek his help on some of them.


Either be a fulltime Housewife or work fulltime and share household chores


Cheers
You are very young. There are alot of responsibilities to running a home. Be thankful at this point that you have not factored in your own children yet. I'm not sure why you are cleaning the oven. Basics to keeping your house clean are to vacuum, dust, keep dishes out of sink, keep laundry basket empty or at least not flowing all over the house. I'm sure with your husband on active duty, he must be in a constant state of fear that he will be called away. Your incessant nagging only makes the situation worse for both of you. It really does not take a trained chimp to run a household and if you are diligent, you don't need to do everything every day. As for your nanny job. I don't know if you are watching these kids in your home or someone else's, but you might want to find yourself another line of work...one where you are around people and can make new friends. Most husbands feel that because they are the breadwinners, their responsibilities at home should be bare minimum. I believe if 2 people work full time, then they should both share the responsibilities of the home, no matter how futile they are. If one works and the other stays home and either works from the home, or does not work, then the one who is home should hold the most responsibility for keeping the house in order. I am a stay at home mom with 2 kids. I clean every day, do laundry every day, make my kids beds and clean their rooms, make dinner, take care of the cat, vacuum every day and make sure the house is always tidy. This does not take me an entire day to do and by no means am I overwhelmed and expect my husband to help. I take out the trash, wash all the dishes...even if I didnt dirty them, straighten out the cushions on the couch...I do it all here. I don't expect my husbands help. But I do not work. If you are working outside the home, it is a different story.





NOW...as for the abuse you are going thru. I do believe there is only just so much nagging a person can hear before they start to lose it. I know this from my last marriage and I did not nag this man altho I accused him of alot of things. He would be good for awhile and then he'd go off and threaten to beat me, would corner me and threaten to kill me...all done in front of my 3 year old son. Abuse is abuse, and it only takes one incident to make it come forefront. Keep your eye on that, because once an abuser starts, he does not stop and it only gets worse and you will eventually feel a worse wrath that what you are getting now.





My advice to you are these few steps:


1. Stop nagging hubby for help. Do what you can during the day. Forget making sure the oven is clean, it is only going to get dirty again.


2. Remember that you are one person and can only do just so much while also holding down a full time job. Don't complain anymore about it to your husband. Find ways to vent your frustration somehow.


3. Watch the abuse. If it gets worse or you feel your safety is in danger of any sort, get out! Believe me, therapy will not help if this man is an abuser. He will run in cycles. One minute you'll think he's good as gold, next you'll think you married a psychopath. This is not a good way to live...trust me.


4. Find yourself a new job. Find something where you work with people your own age that you have something in common with. Do you live on base? There should be other women in the same boat as you that you can form bonds with. Look up support groups for military wives. You are not alone.





I think you should stop the nagging and crying. It is probably frustrating to your husband and is making the matters worse. Do what you can during the day. If he doesn't like the way things look at the end of the day, then tell him to pick up a rag and clean it himself or it is staying that way until tomorrow. Good luck.