Hi All,
Dont know where to start........I'll give you a rough out line.
My husband and I have been happily married for 14years and together for 17, we meet young, I was 15 and he was 19.
We married after our fisrt born son was 11 months old and I was 18, we had our second son years later.
Our first son was born with many problems and in the last 9yrs he had been in care.
5years ago I found a porno mag in my husbands work bag, I was shocked and sad to no end, I then realised he had been watching movies too behind my back for the last 12months.
He swore to no end that he had made a mistake and it would never happens again, he even started going to church with me and to what I thought he had become a christian too, than 6 months ago I found him looking at porn on the computure and I left and spent the night at a friends home.
I feel so let down and many other feelings too, too hard to describe right now.
I have tried to let it go and forgive him but I have found myself depressed, lonely and I feel like I am no longer good enough but at the same time I know I deserve better.
I am a christian and have stuggled with the forgiveness of him and what the right thing to do is............
I have tried really hard over the last few years but feel he will again at some point do it again.
I have never worked as he has always liked to support me but now I feel alittle trapped with now where to go, no money of my own and no job.
To be honest the whole job thing freaks me out and because of my own lack of confidence now I feel I would not be liked at work, fit in or even know what on earth I was doing.
I just feel like crying all the time, My Mum said it was my own fault, I had gained some weight at the time, my brother said he is a mechanic what did i expect, my best friend, i feel she is secretly happy about it all.
What do I do, I hate myself, I hate life and dont know how or where to start over.Need some advice on marriage and porn?
First off, I'm sorry you are hurting. I know it feels like he is emotionally cheating on you.
Are you seriously saying you would leave given the means?
I can tell you God wouldn't want that. You've made this a bigger mess by spreading this all around. A lot of time we guise gossiping (sin) as looking for advice or prayer support.
A lot of christians fall into the trap of ranking sins. Like: ';I know I'm not perfect, but I'd never . . . '; Biblically none of us are equipped to judge in this way. Eating for purposes other than to sustain and strengthen the body is a sin. Lacking confidence is a sin, you are saying you are not capable - which is saying know better than God. To hate God's gift of life is a sin. Anything that does not draw us closer to God is a sin. Want to rank them all?
We are not to forgive because God wants us to, but because we are duty bound to forgive. Christ suffered on the cross and at the hands of Satan as someone innocent -- to pay for your sins - which are far greater than this sin your husband has committed against you. So God through Christ forgives you, but you can withhold forgiveness from your husband?
A parable comes to mind. The parable of a man who threw himself on the mercy of a rich man, who forgave this man of a large debt. This newly debt free man then immediately went and had someone else thrown in jail for failure to pay him a much smaller debt . . . this is just as outrageous as your behavior.
When we are saved we are given a new soul that desires to never sin again. But that new soul still operates within the flesh, in the context of a world that caters to every sin.
You are right, this very well may happen again. But he seems to know it is wrong. He seems to desire to do right. Give him support rather than condemnation. Put child filtering software on the computer, that only you have the unlock code for (with teens in the house it's not a bad idea anyway). Keep the computer in an open area, like the living room or kitchen. Have an open work bag on the kitchen table policy. Get rid of TVs in private areas. Find him a christian mentor. Someone he can be responsible to daily, and who can guide him on his new christian walk.
Do you ever say you'll work out and take care of the body God gave you, then you don't follow through for long (sin)? It is the same thing. He can't do it alone, create an environment and system for success. Good intentions only go so far in a world full of temptation.
Be a model of Christ's love and forgiveness to your husband. This will not only change your husband's life, but also your own.
Life is all about perspective. I hope this helped yours.Need some advice on marriage and porn?
WOW you are over reacting to this, guys will watch porn no matter what! Its just something that happens and you have to accept it. Don't do anything too drastic about this situation.
Honey, if you cant beat him, join him.
porn is addicting
I am sorry that you hate yourself right now, none of this is your fault at all and I understand your point of view on the porn and what the bible and church say about it, it's cheating if your lusting after anyone else.all you can do is have a good talk with him and tell him how it makes you feel let him know if he doesn't stop you will get a divorce thats not what you want to do but you can't live like that. for all those who say its ok I can tell you looking at porn always leads to cheating.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_looking_at_鈥?/a>
1st of all you need to cut your man some slack. Its a porno mag. That's all. He loves you and all. He wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He doesn't cheat. He just watched porn. Enjoys magazines.
Your trying to change a mans human nature. And what is going to happen with all this Christian talk and you trying to change him, is he will find another vice and it will be something worse than before.
What hes doing is not illegal. Porn is so readily available in todays society. 7-11s the computer you dont ever have to find it. It finds you. Porn is a billion dollar business. This is common. But get over yourself or things are going to get worse.
I'm sorry for your hurt feelings but you are making a mountain out of a mole hill.
I am not married, but I still feel i have an answer for you.
Since you are a girl, you may not be able to understand this (not being sexist), but, its is very much possible, and really, normal, for a guy to look at porn but still love somebody. I promise this is true. Men are visually turned on (as everyone knows) and masturbation is just a release. %26amp; sometimes guys just don't want to go through the whole actually having sex routine sometimes. because most guys want to have sex a Lot more times than any partner would be willing too.
If the porn is excessive you then maybe there is a problem, %26amp; then i really don't have advice. but if thats not the case..
This may sound new-agey and every christian tenet you've ever had will tell you I'm wrong but the truth of it is, ';it's not that big of a deal.';
every guy everywhere looks at porn. if you find me one that doesn't, its because he doesn't have an internet connection.
So to sum up. It's not you, and its also not him. Its just what it is. don't let what you 'the church' tell you hurt the beautiful relationship god gave you. they don't know what they are talking about and just want money. ( im agnostic, guilty. sorry :)
so thats my bit. good luck.
I agree with all these ppl, get in shape, have a new hair cut, look good for him, be confident, maybe thats the main reason y he looks at porn, maybe he feels u r not taking a good care of urself to him...when u know he watched porn, ignore it and don't talk abt it...
The porn thing isn't in itself a bad thing,you have made it so. To you ,it's taboo but it is in fact quite normal. I think the secrecy of it has hurt you more than anything so why not watch it with him and liven up your love life ? You can still be a Christian and enjoy a bit of porn but don't make him feel guilty and force him to watch it behind your back. Many women watch it with their man,including me................
It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Perhaps it is just a phase, he didnt get it when he was young like most men do, so he is making up for it now. perhaps with your christian ways, he didn't want to offend you by putting it under the bathroom sink like most men do, he hid it. It is common for men to watch porn. However why don't you try something different. I watch porn with my husband on occasion, however since you feel so strongly about it, perhaps you can do something else to spicen your love life. I'm sure that is not a sin. There are games you can play, and books you can read with different sexual activities so the marriage won't become boring, and sex a habitual chore. why not go out and get new lingerie? and suprise him by wearing it for him? why not go out to your local sex store (and it is embarrasing the first time, however it is completely natural and lots of couples do this) and pick out something together to try in the bedroom? if you are closed to these ideas, you can always try convincing him to go to a therapist who specializes in these sorts of things, because porn is an addiction like any other. you could also get a lock for the computer so he would be unable to look up porn on it. there are several ways to fix this problem. you just have to decide which route is best for your marriage and doesnt compromise your religious beliefs. good luck and god bless.
I felt similar to you about this a couple of years ago. Not anymore.
Men really like porn. They often hide it because you don't accept it. I even watch some now (tasteful kind :-) with him. You need to examine, or maybe you already know, why it upsets you so much. Do you feel threatened, jealous, etc. Men always look. There is such a thing as porn addiction and that will wreck your marriage. Search it, it's very interesting.
A part-time job to start would probably do your self-esteem a world of good. Talk to people out there about life. Make some friends. If you feel he has a real problem with being porn addicted (like, you two do not have sex, etc) you both can see a therapist.
Women! stop having a problem with porn and guys wont have to hide it! We do NOT look at porn because we're not attracted to you. We look because we have fantasies. It has NOTHING to do with you in fact so get over it. OF COURSe he's gonna tell you he won't do it again, he doesn't want to hurt you because HE LOVES YOU!
If he misses the mortgage because he spent the rent at a strip club or buying over-priced fetish movies, then you have a problem. Men do not look at porn because there is anything wrong with their wives, or that they are no longer attracted to them. Men look at porn because men MASTURBATE. They are visually stimulated, and looking at porn expedites the process.
You are leaving your husband because he is looking at and/or watching porn behind your back. He wants to be respectful of your feelings or beliefs, but probably thinks the request is ridiculous, and has a hard time honoring it. He works and enjoys providing for the family, has been with you for 17 years. It sounds like you have a much better man than the majority of married women out there.
no offense, but if you are willing to leave him for this, perhaps you are holding your standards higher for any man to meet. Remember, there is only 1 perfect man, and he lived about 2000 years ago. Accept that he enjoys porn. You don't have to watch with him, but know that it is to help him release a product of his body that HAS to be release in some way.
personally i dont think its that a big of deal. i know to u it is. but if its a daily thing, constantly then u need to do something. honey dont hate yourself. gain some confidence. write in a journel join a yoga class or cardio class at the gym. make yourself happy. i think right now you are just a wreck no offense. breath calm down and think. dont just forget about it. becuz although some people dont mind the spouse looking at porn there are others who strongly disagree with that. tell your husband how it really makes you feel and tell him how much it hurts you. dont listen to your mom and brother..its absurd what they said and for your best friend...drop it. worry about first, you and then deal with your relationship. everything is going to be ok
You never mentioned if you love this man or not. Is he a good father? A devoted husband? Is he kind and caring? Does he love you? Is he good to you? You met at a very young age and had children young. He has never dated in the sense that young people do. It's just curiosity. Pornography does not make a person stray. That is an absurd notion. Many happily married men (and couples) partake in this to various degrees. It is a private matter. It doesn't have anything to do with his love for you. It is separate. Men can do this as their make up is different and hard wired. You need to put this into perspective. It is not a deal breaker in a marriage. Abuse, neglect, lack of love, anger issues, cheating with another woman are deal breakers. It is not about your weight. He's with you because he wants to be. You need to absolutely recognize this is not as huge as you're letting it become. You don't need to start over. If you can be honest with yourself and answer the above questions with a yes, then you should be thanking God for sending this man to you. So many marriages are unhappy ones due to placing unreasonable expectations on a spouse who otherwise is a good human being.
I think you need to get over it. It isn't like he was out sleeping with other women. As for your brother, he needs a kick in the teeth, just because someone has a certain profession does not mean that they should be categorized into certain behavioral groups.
as for being a christian, how is looking at porn any different than premarital sex?
Ok,
1. NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE. There is no argument in the world that should make you run from your family. So you never run away from your problems again.
2. You're making this rather small problem into a huge catastrophe that is affecting your job, your mothering, your relationship with your family, and your confidence.
It's a problem, no doubt about it. But blowing it up into a huge mess isn't going to help solve it. You're running around like a headless chicken! Calm down!
3. Your mother, albeit in an abrasive way, was trying to put you on a logical path.
This is an opportunity to address some things that would only have gotten worse if you hadn't found the magazine.
You're not going to let a porno mag ruin YOUR marriage are you?
So, resolve yourself to fixing it!
a) You've gained weight? Fine! Lose it!
b) Have you been a little disinterested in the bedroom over the pass few years. Time to tune that up a little (and have some fun too!)
c) Ever honestly asked your husband what turns him on? Do so and don't be fearful of what you hear. Find some way to incorporate it into your sex life.
d) Whenever you're feeling fearful or anxious about it, do something nice for your husband. Even if it's just to send him a little text or give him a kiss on the cheek...anything! Turn your FEAR into something positive!
e) You're already thinking about divorcing him? How Christian is that exactly? For shame! This is not adultery, nor abuse, or abandonment! So some Christian courage!
Good Luck!
I know everyone has different opinions on porn so your going to get a lot of ';get over it thats what guys do answers'; but Im not a big fan of porn myself...unless my husband and I are watching it together or something...but the main issue here is that YOU don't like it and it hurts you, your self esteem, and yourself as a whole and your husband isn't respecting you or how you feel about porn or more importantly, how it affects you personally and makes you feel. And thats not right at all cuz obviously its a huge deal to you and he knows this must not have cared and has already promised and failed to keep that promise. He's going to do it again and believe me, you'll only catch him about 1 outta every 100 times he's doing it. I personally think he doesn't respect you like he should and like you deserve as a wife, mother, and woman cuz if he can't stop looking at images on the computer, tv, whatever, for the sake of his wife's happiness and self worth than he's pathetic!! And if it is that big of an issue to you than maybe you might have to think about what you want to put up with and what you don't. And its not your fault whatsoever!! Doesn't matter if you gained weight, have a few more wrinkles or whatever, looks obviously don't last forever and everybody grows older including your husband, so don't give him that lame *** pathetic excuse cuz I doubt he's a perfect 10 either! He's suppose to love and respect you cuz you are who you are on the inside...not cuz you were ten pounds lighter 10 years ago!! and he's not doing that!! And all these answers your going to get that say ';get over it thats what guys do'; DON'T for one second believe this and give guys a free pass to disrespect, degrade, and devalue their wives and girlfriend's by some lame *** crap like that. I know a lot of guys who aren't porn freaks and totally and completely respect their women and treat them wonderfully...I think a lot of women need to demand more respect from men nowadays...call me old school or something i guess...
Its normal for guys to look at porn. My ex girlfriend made Jessica Alba look bad, and we had an amazing sex life, and guess what i still looked at porn. And yes she freaked out when she caught me. I'm afraid you just have to get used to it. He only told you he wouldn't do it to make you happy. Also no offence but your family don't know what they're talking about. Don't listen to them. Having more sex, getting more fit, fulfilling each others fantasies... These things will make him do it less as his sex life (this includes masterbation) will be too full of you!
your situation is a tough one... sorry, but i can't believe your mother said it was your own fault...that was RUDE!! is your friend helping you through the situation b/c the more people on your side the better it makes the situation. wait it out. try to find a job somewhere... you will adjust. you'll make friends and start making your own money...you'll be living your own life...as for your husband...just confront him about this..and if the porn bothers you that bad,
just leave him if he does look at porn again.
I have every sympathy for you. I hate the 'men are visual creatures' line that always comes out on these questions. Maybe if there wasn't so much porn for men they wouldn't think about sex so much. Don't blame yourself or your figure. bet your husband is no adonis but you don't seek pictures of fit, good loking guys do you. I consider it cheating and when my ex wouldn't stop looking at porn I found someone else who wanted me so it was quits. Let him look at porn and you find yourself a nice young man to keep you happy. Your husband doesn't deserve you.
First of all, I know you love your mother, but what she said was just plain out of line. NO ONE should ever say anything like that to someone else, let alone a mother to her own daughter. Sounds to me like your mom doesn't care about your marriage.
Secondly, don't listen to all the other people that have commented that 'porn isn't that big of a deal'. If they were true Christians, you know they're answers would be different. I think for honest, good advice, you need to talk to your pastor, or maybe a pastor of another church, to avoid bringing that awkwardness between the pastor and your husband the next time he's in church.
Honey, you know in your heart that pornography is wrong, that's why you feel so uncomfortable about it; it's called intuition and it's usually right. Just because it is the natural order of things for a man to be sexually aroused visually, does not mean it is RIGHT. The Bible says we are born into sin (so it's only natural for him to want to look at other naked women doing sexual things instead of his wife), but Jesus took that sin away from us so we can have a CHOICE to sin or not. Right now, your husband is choosing to sin. He may not see it as a sin, but he knows how you feel about it, and in my opinion, if your spouse has a problem with something, then you shouldn't be doing it, no matter how you personally feel about it.
Proverbs 6:25-27 says, ';Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life. Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?';
Pornography is only the beginning of a vicious cycle that will ultimately hurt you, your husband, and your marriage beyond repair. You need to seek marital counseling immediately, preferably with a pastor, or even private counseling sessions with a pastor. Your husband needs to understand just how dangerous opening this gateway can be, and the consequences of his actions.
I will pray for both of you. Please keep us updated on how everything works out between you. God bless.
hiiiiii :) im only 16... and i dont no anything about marriage but i think u should be happy that he's watching porn and not cheating on u..
i honostly think ur over reacting waay to much! and maybe u should consider pleasing ur husband moree...
and ur brother shouldn't generalize... look don't leave him over sumthing so little... maybe use should sit there and talk about it.. understand why he is watching it. but try not to yell at him because all he is gna do is go behind ur back..
just be open with him :)
You should be glad he's just looking at porn and not sleeping with anyone else. A lil porn here and there isn't anything to worry about, but if you're not happy with your sex life or your body do something about it. You need to throw some things in there to spice things up. Tell or those negative ppl to piss off and if you're unhappy with something do something about it. If you still love him and loves you, don't worry so much.
Lots of couples face this problem. Consider seeking counseling for both you and your husband, or even talk to your Pastor if you are comfortable with him. Know that this is not your fault and that this is an addicting act that most men can't stop on their own, and even start without reason.
Good Luck.
I am a christian too, I am also married and stay at home. I have caught my husband with porn and understand the hurt you feel. Unfortunately yahoo answers in general is very pro-porn and will not give you much sympathy besides to just tell you its natural and you shouldnt be upset. but they are wrong. also, what a sick horrible thing for your mom to tell you its your fault. how horrible. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Can you go to marriage counseling? I understand how scary the thought of getting a job would be, but you have to be strong. Personally I consider porn cheating (if you even look at another woman with lust in your eye, it is adultery- forgot where that was in the Bible) and cheating is a valid excuse to leave your husband. So perhaps if you can make it a very real consequence for his actions that you will leave, he will wake up and seek help with you. You might have to really leave, you might not. but you must make that clear that it is a possibility, because what he did hurt you and you are left with no other real choice. Porn can be a very strong addiction, and it is not to be taken lightly. he must do what he has to to avoid the temptation.. give you freedom to search his things, take away or put blocks on his internet access, things like that. but this is best worked out with a christian marriage counselor, like perhaps, your pastor. I truly wish the best and hope this has a happy ending!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
I need advice my marriage depends on it...?
Me and husband are currently living with my parents, we have gone through a rough year, and i started working in a place they pay me ok, but ove only been there a month. We are trying to save money to buy a car, and move out ASAP because the house has been with a lot of tension...
Well my dad doesnt driving, so my husband (unemployed), takes my sisters my mom and me everyday and then picks up everybody, but yesterday we went out and my dad did not want to pick up my mom from work which caused a heated discussion.
now my husband wants us to go live with his aunt, he says he is really uncomfortable in my house now, his aunts husband has clearly stated in the past he does not want anybody living with them.
I told him we have to wait and save so we can go live on our own but my husband says i am selfish..... should i go live with his aunt and give in to what he wants or what??I need advice my marriage depends on it...?
Living with family is hard enough without being married. personally, I would stay put and save because moving just adds more stress. On top of the fact that you would have to become accustomed to the different customs and rules at the new place. stay put and save up.I need advice my marriage depends on it...?
You should talk to his aunt and her husband first before making any decisions. but it actually depends on location. like where your job is and where your husband is going to find a job. It's really about what's best for the both of you. If your husband feels uncomfortable staying at your parents house then you should at least consider staying at his aunt's for a while, but only if it's okay with his aunt and her husband. You and your husband really do need to find ways to support yourselves.
If your husband is so uncomfortable living in your house (that he should be grateful for) he should get himself a job even more so and make your move out of your family's house. By going to his aunt's house, he's still be depending on others to take care of him. I think he'll just buy more time by moving to his aunt's house.
You should be living on your own. Not your parents or your aunts. That is ridicules. You are grown-ups and you need to work on your marriage. Thats really weird. When do you ever have time for yourself?
no its wrong for him to just invite you two to live with his aunt. he is being selfish. if anything he needs to find a job and you guys should try renting a really cheap place.
you might be a little selfish, but he is a lot immature. i would however try following his lead and moving in with the aunt - tell him if that doesn't work...next time you get to decide.
GET OUT AND GET YOUR OWN PLACE. Do THAT, then get some marriage counseling, because you BOTH are very immature, insecure, and selfish.
GOOD LUCK!!
Get out YESTERDAY!
if his aunt's husband doesnt want anyone living with them, do you think it'll be better for you?? how come your husband doesnt look for a job. two little jobs are better then just your job.
i guess you'll have to figure out which place will give you a little more peace and quiet so you can have a life too not be all stressed out about who picks up your mother, and your sisters from diff. places.
Your priority should be YOUR Family which is your Husband and YOU. you both need to figure out and see what advantages and disadvantages you have in your parents house or with your aunt.
Talk to your aunt's husband and tell him that it's for a few months till you can move out on your own.
I think the two of you need to rent a very cheap/inexpensive apartment of your own. This will get rid of all of the issues. However, since you say you are not able to do this. There is really nothing you can do but come to some type of workable compromise between the two of you. Talk to his aunt and uncle. However, certainly you do not want to add strain to their household. And living with your parents is obviously reached a level of serious tension. Seems to me it would be best to move out and find a place where the two of you are capable of handling the rent. Something very cheat maybe an efficiency until the two of you are gainfully employed and can do better. Why is he not working somewhere? I do realize the economy is horrible right now, however he should take any job. Some money doing anything is better than no money doing nothing.
Well my dad doesnt driving, so my husband (unemployed), takes my sisters my mom and me everyday and then picks up everybody, but yesterday we went out and my dad did not want to pick up my mom from work which caused a heated discussion.
now my husband wants us to go live with his aunt, he says he is really uncomfortable in my house now, his aunts husband has clearly stated in the past he does not want anybody living with them.
I told him we have to wait and save so we can go live on our own but my husband says i am selfish..... should i go live with his aunt and give in to what he wants or what??I need advice my marriage depends on it...?
Living with family is hard enough without being married. personally, I would stay put and save because moving just adds more stress. On top of the fact that you would have to become accustomed to the different customs and rules at the new place. stay put and save up.I need advice my marriage depends on it...?
You should talk to his aunt and her husband first before making any decisions. but it actually depends on location. like where your job is and where your husband is going to find a job. It's really about what's best for the both of you. If your husband feels uncomfortable staying at your parents house then you should at least consider staying at his aunt's for a while, but only if it's okay with his aunt and her husband. You and your husband really do need to find ways to support yourselves.
If your husband is so uncomfortable living in your house (that he should be grateful for) he should get himself a job even more so and make your move out of your family's house. By going to his aunt's house, he's still be depending on others to take care of him. I think he'll just buy more time by moving to his aunt's house.
You should be living on your own. Not your parents or your aunts. That is ridicules. You are grown-ups and you need to work on your marriage. Thats really weird. When do you ever have time for yourself?
no its wrong for him to just invite you two to live with his aunt. he is being selfish. if anything he needs to find a job and you guys should try renting a really cheap place.
you might be a little selfish, but he is a lot immature. i would however try following his lead and moving in with the aunt - tell him if that doesn't work...next time you get to decide.
GET OUT AND GET YOUR OWN PLACE. Do THAT, then get some marriage counseling, because you BOTH are very immature, insecure, and selfish.
GOOD LUCK!!
Get out YESTERDAY!
if his aunt's husband doesnt want anyone living with them, do you think it'll be better for you?? how come your husband doesnt look for a job. two little jobs are better then just your job.
i guess you'll have to figure out which place will give you a little more peace and quiet so you can have a life too not be all stressed out about who picks up your mother, and your sisters from diff. places.
Your priority should be YOUR Family which is your Husband and YOU. you both need to figure out and see what advantages and disadvantages you have in your parents house or with your aunt.
Talk to your aunt's husband and tell him that it's for a few months till you can move out on your own.
I think the two of you need to rent a very cheap/inexpensive apartment of your own. This will get rid of all of the issues. However, since you say you are not able to do this. There is really nothing you can do but come to some type of workable compromise between the two of you. Talk to his aunt and uncle. However, certainly you do not want to add strain to their household. And living with your parents is obviously reached a level of serious tension. Seems to me it would be best to move out and find a place where the two of you are capable of handling the rent. Something very cheat maybe an efficiency until the two of you are gainfully employed and can do better. Why is he not working somewhere? I do realize the economy is horrible right now, however he should take any job. Some money doing anything is better than no money doing nothing.
Need some advice with marriage/money differences?
Help! My husband has always made more money than me. He is a work-aholic. He works swing-shift and volunteers for every ounce of overtime he possibly can. He makes about 3 times more than me annually. I just finished school and with the economy, I am thankful to have the job I do. Not my dream job but it works. I also do most of the cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids because he works swing shift. So he is gone ALOT! In the summers, I do all the running and taking the kids here and there, i do all the banking, bill paying, grocery shopping, dr's appts, everything. anyways, I tell him constantly that I want a better job and he knows that im depressed about having an MBA and not being able to move up past an entry level position in an office right now. Ive been trying though. the problem is, he constantly tells me that everything in the house hes paid for, and he makes rude comments such as ';i bail you out all the time'; I do not overspend nor am I very materialistic. WE have a nice house and not many bills and we chose to buy a nice house becaue of what he makes. he constantly makes me feel bad that i dont make the money he makes and honestly even with the MBA, i dont think I ever will because he works so much over time and stuff. When will it ever sink in to him that he is hurting me by saying the things he does about money? we have been married 12 years! its constant' I paid for this and that and you dont pull your weight.. he could be in the best mood ever then all of a suddent start thinkign about money and hes set off in a fight. and often times fights with me in front of the kids even when i tel him to stop! he doesnt realize what he is doing they are 11 and 8 and understand everything! i cant take it anymore,when things are good they are good then he snaps and just starts in with nonsense then wont talk to me about how i feel because he only sees it his way, i think he needs professional help! should marriage be so separate? i am never going to make the money he makes and he knows im depressed about not having my dream job right now because of the economy. i am not wrapped up in money, i feel we have what we need, we dont overspend but hes constantlytelling me, you dont have the money to do this or that.. well hello? its our money?
sorry, rambling now. how do i get him to stop and understand this is mean?Need some advice with marriage/money differences?
Man that sucks. Try to talk to him and say hey wed like you around more. If that means we have to eat pb%26amp;j sandwiches fine but you work too much. Also, point out for him all the work you do around the house, and how much is that worth? Bill his lazy butt for all the work you do there.Need some advice with marriage/money differences?
I would think you would be more suspicious of his behavior. He is picking fights with you. My radar went up just from reading your question. Maybe you should get some couples therapy, obviously, there is more going on than what he is telling you.
You are having a power struggle. He knows you have the education. You know he brings in the most money. You both need to show appreciation to each other for both of your sacrifices. He might be burned out on his job, but he might feel locked into the routine to keep up the standard of living. You two need to talk. He isn't around for the kids or for you. He doesn't see your contribution. He's not sure you see his contribution. Good Luck.
Have a maid service come to your house and give you an estimate for a daily and weekly cleaning. Check into going rates for baby sitters and taxi rides. Same for an accountant. Add it all up and present it to him. He may be working but so are you. Perhaps he should pay you for services and you can get separate checking accounts and split the bills.
I think if you do this, you will see that you ';make'; way more than him.
If he keeps going on about this, maybe you should remind him that when determining child support a judge will take into consideration all that over time....you don't ';need'; him to provide for you, only the kids and if he can't treat you with respect, you will leave and he can pay you child support.
It's the old ';Keeping up with the Jones's'; thing. He is trying to build a bankroll and resents anyone tapping into it. Lay off the ';It's our money talk'; that will guarantee a fight. Just be appreciative of the finer things you have and let him know that. Spend some time with him, not make the husband spend time with the family. Go on a motorcycle ride together-just an hour or two, have a picnic (low cost), have some fun without spending $$$. Don't make such a big production about your job, you should not be competing for a paycheck. In time a better position will come along. Smell the roses! not the race track.
You need a vacation. where's the words';I Love U'; Love first and keep the money.
If he doesn't understand how cruel and hurtful that is.. You can't Make him understand. He is destroying his marriage and doesn't even see it.... He apparently places more importance on THINGS than people (his wife %26amp; kids)
Either accept it or leave - Perhaps if you leave, he will get the idea... but it's his journey through life.. you can't MAKE him have awareness.
Ok so he doesn't think you pull your weight? Don't contribute any where near as much ';value'; as he does? Work out how much others would charge him for the hours that you cook, clean, babysit, and any other duties your working fewer hours allows you to perform. That should help him to find out where your added contribution to the marriage and the family is.
Research what the fair/going wage would be if he was paying someone else some people to do all that. How much for ironing, general cleaning, laundry, baby sitting, and if you want to, include your ';sexual duties'; too. Include time and a half for overtime (anything after your regular work hours) and double or triple time for holidays, etc. And don't forget those ';double shifts'; when the kids are sick. Work out the total number of hours each day, each week, each year you put into the family ON TOP of working too. Then tell him that's your part and when's he going to step up to the plate and match YOUR contribution?
That should help him put things into perspective for him.
sorry, rambling now. how do i get him to stop and understand this is mean?Need some advice with marriage/money differences?
Man that sucks. Try to talk to him and say hey wed like you around more. If that means we have to eat pb%26amp;j sandwiches fine but you work too much. Also, point out for him all the work you do around the house, and how much is that worth? Bill his lazy butt for all the work you do there.Need some advice with marriage/money differences?
I would think you would be more suspicious of his behavior. He is picking fights with you. My radar went up just from reading your question. Maybe you should get some couples therapy, obviously, there is more going on than what he is telling you.
You are having a power struggle. He knows you have the education. You know he brings in the most money. You both need to show appreciation to each other for both of your sacrifices. He might be burned out on his job, but he might feel locked into the routine to keep up the standard of living. You two need to talk. He isn't around for the kids or for you. He doesn't see your contribution. He's not sure you see his contribution. Good Luck.
Have a maid service come to your house and give you an estimate for a daily and weekly cleaning. Check into going rates for baby sitters and taxi rides. Same for an accountant. Add it all up and present it to him. He may be working but so are you. Perhaps he should pay you for services and you can get separate checking accounts and split the bills.
I think if you do this, you will see that you ';make'; way more than him.
If he keeps going on about this, maybe you should remind him that when determining child support a judge will take into consideration all that over time....you don't ';need'; him to provide for you, only the kids and if he can't treat you with respect, you will leave and he can pay you child support.
It's the old ';Keeping up with the Jones's'; thing. He is trying to build a bankroll and resents anyone tapping into it. Lay off the ';It's our money talk'; that will guarantee a fight. Just be appreciative of the finer things you have and let him know that. Spend some time with him, not make the husband spend time with the family. Go on a motorcycle ride together-just an hour or two, have a picnic (low cost), have some fun without spending $$$. Don't make such a big production about your job, you should not be competing for a paycheck. In time a better position will come along. Smell the roses! not the race track.
You need a vacation. where's the words';I Love U'; Love first and keep the money.
If he doesn't understand how cruel and hurtful that is.. You can't Make him understand. He is destroying his marriage and doesn't even see it.... He apparently places more importance on THINGS than people (his wife %26amp; kids)
Either accept it or leave - Perhaps if you leave, he will get the idea... but it's his journey through life.. you can't MAKE him have awareness.
Ok so he doesn't think you pull your weight? Don't contribute any where near as much ';value'; as he does? Work out how much others would charge him for the hours that you cook, clean, babysit, and any other duties your working fewer hours allows you to perform. That should help him to find out where your added contribution to the marriage and the family is.
Research what the fair/going wage would be if he was paying someone else some people to do all that. How much for ironing, general cleaning, laundry, baby sitting, and if you want to, include your ';sexual duties'; too. Include time and a half for overtime (anything after your regular work hours) and double or triple time for holidays, etc. And don't forget those ';double shifts'; when the kids are sick. Work out the total number of hours each day, each week, each year you put into the family ON TOP of working too. Then tell him that's your part and when's he going to step up to the plate and match YOUR contribution?
That should help him put things into perspective for him.
I need advice about marriage between cousins...?
I am so much in love with my cousin (my mother's sister's daughter) and I want to marry her. I need all the advice concerning religions, genetic counseling, i.e, the probablity of birth defects in the offspring, laws about cousin marriages in the US states, your personal opinion, everything you possibly could.. I am really serious about it and I just know she's in love with me as well.. I need some serious advice because I just can't stop thinking about her and it's been like 4 years..
I'd really appreciate all the advice you could give. I need advice about marriage between cousins...?
Umm Shash... You should give yourself some more time to think about your decision. I think your at a point in life where you have the whole future in front of you, and marriage shouldn't concern you right now... Its important before deciding for things like that to think about the consequences also. This way your fighting with society, including your family.
Well anyways knowing you, I know you can love easily lol, and as Imilya said there are a lot of fish in the sea. Good Luck.I need advice about marriage between cousins...?
Well you have 50% the same DNA assuming your mother and her sister have both parents in common. So yes, birth defects are likely. Since you most likely have different last names I'm not sure that the people issuing the marriage license would even know you are related. Different states have different marriage laws. If you are serious about it do some research on your state. Also, how old are you? If your young you may want to consider that there are TONS of women out there who are not related to you. Think about your family too, not just yourself. How would this affect your mom?
Sorry but sounds wrong to me =/ Really wrong.
There are millions of girls out there and I honestly do not believe you cannot find one to ACTUALLY love who is not your couzin.
Man, just think about the impact and effect it will have on your family, hers, your babies, etc It's not worth it and that if it is REAL love which I will be frank I am 100% sure it isn't. Iv seen you say ';I love you'; too easily to believe you really know what love is and what it means.
Im sorry to be harsh but iv got to say what Iv got to say and that is how I feel and the truth of how I feel.
Sick and wrong and you are NOT in love. PLease get stable relationships before doing something like this, find out what going out with a girl is all about, what love is and then move on.
Wow, looks like u r serious with ur cousin.. anyway, there is no problem in having a relation with ur cousin... if she loves u, what r u waiting, propose her.. anyway, ask for your family;s opinions first.. why not if u ask ur parents, well they know u better.. but then, if u ask me, its fine to fall in love with ur cousin... Good luck!
That is sick. And I mean sick in the actual meaning of that word. Twisted, perverted, warped. You're hopeless. That's not Love, that's imagination of your ill mind. A case psychiatrists would pay for.
Hes so concerned ^ lmao
Shash, just find a different girl. Not marry your cousin. thats a sick thing to do. Theres other fish in the sea.
Wow dude. That is sick and wrong. You should seek some type of counseling. It is never a good idea to pick up chicks at a family reunion.
I say go for it. As to marriage, check with an expert. You may need to get married in another jurisdiction.
WTF?! : (
find another girl..that is so sick
wow... you are reallly sick!!
Advice? get a life. :)makeup techniques
I'd really appreciate all the advice you could give. I need advice about marriage between cousins...?
Umm Shash... You should give yourself some more time to think about your decision. I think your at a point in life where you have the whole future in front of you, and marriage shouldn't concern you right now... Its important before deciding for things like that to think about the consequences also. This way your fighting with society, including your family.
Well anyways knowing you, I know you can love easily lol, and as Imilya said there are a lot of fish in the sea. Good Luck.I need advice about marriage between cousins...?
Well you have 50% the same DNA assuming your mother and her sister have both parents in common. So yes, birth defects are likely. Since you most likely have different last names I'm not sure that the people issuing the marriage license would even know you are related. Different states have different marriage laws. If you are serious about it do some research on your state. Also, how old are you? If your young you may want to consider that there are TONS of women out there who are not related to you. Think about your family too, not just yourself. How would this affect your mom?
Sorry but sounds wrong to me =/ Really wrong.
There are millions of girls out there and I honestly do not believe you cannot find one to ACTUALLY love who is not your couzin.
Man, just think about the impact and effect it will have on your family, hers, your babies, etc It's not worth it and that if it is REAL love which I will be frank I am 100% sure it isn't. Iv seen you say ';I love you'; too easily to believe you really know what love is and what it means.
Im sorry to be harsh but iv got to say what Iv got to say and that is how I feel and the truth of how I feel.
Sick and wrong and you are NOT in love. PLease get stable relationships before doing something like this, find out what going out with a girl is all about, what love is and then move on.
Wow, looks like u r serious with ur cousin.. anyway, there is no problem in having a relation with ur cousin... if she loves u, what r u waiting, propose her.. anyway, ask for your family;s opinions first.. why not if u ask ur parents, well they know u better.. but then, if u ask me, its fine to fall in love with ur cousin... Good luck!
That is sick. And I mean sick in the actual meaning of that word. Twisted, perverted, warped. You're hopeless. That's not Love, that's imagination of your ill mind. A case psychiatrists would pay for.
Hes so concerned ^ lmao
Shash, just find a different girl. Not marry your cousin. thats a sick thing to do. Theres other fish in the sea.
Wow dude. That is sick and wrong. You should seek some type of counseling. It is never a good idea to pick up chicks at a family reunion.
I say go for it. As to marriage, check with an expert. You may need to get married in another jurisdiction.
WTF?! : (
find another girl..that is so sick
wow... you are reallly sick!!
Advice? get a life. :)
I need advice about marriage.?
I am a 27 year old women ,I am getting married for my first time .
what advice do i need to know being a first timer. i believe in marriage . love and making it work the hard way. its funny not very long ago i really did not believe in nothing . now i ment jay my world has turned upside down. i am in love !!!! wow is a wonderful thing . he is such a really great guy. when we went is was like love at first sight . in my life its funny how things work out. we made a choice together not to have childern , is our marriage going to be easer or harder without childern ? i have lots of question . but, i think i just want to know ,what changes ? besides your last name.I need advice about marriage.?
Well, my biggest challenge was combining our lives and habits. We do not believe in living together before marriage so living with another person was stressful at times! We both had our own schedules and different quirks. I also had a bit of a problem sharing. This is so stupid but Ill tell ya anyways. I brought along my computer that Ive had since high school, and one day he started calling it ours! That kind of upset me because I got it before we got married, so that makes it mine right? Nope!! You must get used to the fact that its no longer mine, its ours. You also have to compromise about how you spend your money and decide on your savings goals. Im so lucky that I found a man who doesnt spend our money on totally frivolous things, but rather he likes to save money as I do. Also, communication communication communication... Thats the most important rule of all! If you two arent communicating, things are not going to go very well. I had to learn this the hard way. I refused to talk to my husband about things that were bothering me, or things I was having a hard time with because Ive always been extremely independant and only wanted help when I asked for it. You cant do this! One day he sat me down and told me that it really hurt him that I couldnt come to him with things and that he wanted me to come to him with anything and everything!! Its a struggle, but we definately communicate much better and that makes for a happy home. There are a lot of things that make a marriage great. Just as long as you put his happiness and needs first and you do the same, youve got a great foundation already! Marriage is hard work, but its great work! Good luck and congratulationsI need advice about marriage.?
First and foremost you have to do a lot of sacrificeing. Meaning if he wants to do something and you dont, do it anyway to make him happy. Dont start and argument over small things. He should do the same for you too. If he's late, dont get mad. If he forgets a certian event, dont get mad.
Yes, I think marriage without children is easier. My sister and her husband do not have any and they focus only on themselves and thier careers,goals, and ambitions. I call them DINKS. Double income no kids. Love at first sight is lust,and it is good to lust after the one you are going to marry. What changes? The lust. Usually.
Nowadys childrens are not as much important part in our life %26amp; u just 27 still have time only thing is 1st be celar wht u supose to do be frim.......al the best
ive not been married long. im 23 years of age and and have been married for 3 years. this is the two most important things that i have learnt so far, that could be valuable to all woman.
Communication.
its important that both parties knows to talk, and what to say as well as what NOT to say.
Never Shout, or complain. i think guys hate a nagging wife, and you wont get anything out of him. rather relax and compliment on his good traits. he will adore you so much more.
Self-respect.
i think woman are more likely to give a man their way in order to feel accepted, or loved. if you dont like it, dont do it. you have your own choices,even though you are a women. if you respect yourself, he will as well. if he doesnt. well, then the door was put their for a reason.... any ladies with me!!
If the not having children is a mutual decision it is good. a lot of marriage problems stem from how to raise the kids...then comes money. I would say....relax and enjoy being in love with someone who loves you....as to changes you will start thinking more of what makes him happy than what makes you happy....continue to plan things together. and know what the other person in thinking. Good luck and i wish you happiness
Every thing will change in your life. Give yourself time for the adjustment. The first five years are the toughest. A good marriage is based on trust, good communication, love and compromise. Pick your battles and don't put too much time and energy fight over the little things that don't matter. Good luck.
what advice do i need to know being a first timer. i believe in marriage . love and making it work the hard way. its funny not very long ago i really did not believe in nothing . now i ment jay my world has turned upside down. i am in love !!!! wow is a wonderful thing . he is such a really great guy. when we went is was like love at first sight . in my life its funny how things work out. we made a choice together not to have childern , is our marriage going to be easer or harder without childern ? i have lots of question . but, i think i just want to know ,what changes ? besides your last name.I need advice about marriage.?
Well, my biggest challenge was combining our lives and habits. We do not believe in living together before marriage so living with another person was stressful at times! We both had our own schedules and different quirks. I also had a bit of a problem sharing. This is so stupid but Ill tell ya anyways. I brought along my computer that Ive had since high school, and one day he started calling it ours! That kind of upset me because I got it before we got married, so that makes it mine right? Nope!! You must get used to the fact that its no longer mine, its ours. You also have to compromise about how you spend your money and decide on your savings goals. Im so lucky that I found a man who doesnt spend our money on totally frivolous things, but rather he likes to save money as I do. Also, communication communication communication... Thats the most important rule of all! If you two arent communicating, things are not going to go very well. I had to learn this the hard way. I refused to talk to my husband about things that were bothering me, or things I was having a hard time with because Ive always been extremely independant and only wanted help when I asked for it. You cant do this! One day he sat me down and told me that it really hurt him that I couldnt come to him with things and that he wanted me to come to him with anything and everything!! Its a struggle, but we definately communicate much better and that makes for a happy home. There are a lot of things that make a marriage great. Just as long as you put his happiness and needs first and you do the same, youve got a great foundation already! Marriage is hard work, but its great work! Good luck and congratulationsI need advice about marriage.?
First and foremost you have to do a lot of sacrificeing. Meaning if he wants to do something and you dont, do it anyway to make him happy. Dont start and argument over small things. He should do the same for you too. If he's late, dont get mad. If he forgets a certian event, dont get mad.
Yes, I think marriage without children is easier. My sister and her husband do not have any and they focus only on themselves and thier careers,goals, and ambitions. I call them DINKS. Double income no kids. Love at first sight is lust,and it is good to lust after the one you are going to marry. What changes? The lust. Usually.
Nowadys childrens are not as much important part in our life %26amp; u just 27 still have time only thing is 1st be celar wht u supose to do be frim.......al the best
ive not been married long. im 23 years of age and and have been married for 3 years. this is the two most important things that i have learnt so far, that could be valuable to all woman.
Communication.
its important that both parties knows to talk, and what to say as well as what NOT to say.
Never Shout, or complain. i think guys hate a nagging wife, and you wont get anything out of him. rather relax and compliment on his good traits. he will adore you so much more.
Self-respect.
i think woman are more likely to give a man their way in order to feel accepted, or loved. if you dont like it, dont do it. you have your own choices,even though you are a women. if you respect yourself, he will as well. if he doesnt. well, then the door was put their for a reason.... any ladies with me!!
If the not having children is a mutual decision it is good. a lot of marriage problems stem from how to raise the kids...then comes money. I would say....relax and enjoy being in love with someone who loves you....as to changes you will start thinking more of what makes him happy than what makes you happy....continue to plan things together. and know what the other person in thinking. Good luck and i wish you happiness
Every thing will change in your life. Give yourself time for the adjustment. The first five years are the toughest. A good marriage is based on trust, good communication, love and compromise. Pick your battles and don't put too much time and energy fight over the little things that don't matter. Good luck.
Marriage question? need advice?
How the hell does ear wax get in your ear, and how come it itches your ear??
I needs a q-tipMarriage question? need advice?
i think you may need a qtip, ewwww... i got one, ya want it?Marriage question? need advice?
What does earwax have to do with marriage? I think earwax is produced by the ear so it can trap all the dust and dirt and crap that's trying to invade the ear. IT builds up with gunk, and gets layered,and then starts irritating the ear, so it itches, and q-tips dont always work.
I love your name thanks for the laugh!!
You need a frontal lobotomy.
I needs a q-tipMarriage question? need advice?
i think you may need a qtip, ewwww... i got one, ya want it?Marriage question? need advice?
What does earwax have to do with marriage? I think earwax is produced by the ear so it can trap all the dust and dirt and crap that's trying to invade the ear. IT builds up with gunk, and gets layered,and then starts irritating the ear, so it itches, and q-tips dont always work.
I love your name thanks for the laugh!!
You need a frontal lobotomy.
Marriage relationship problems, advice please...?
This may not be the best place for advice, but I'm interested in women's point of view mostly. I have been to marriage counseling, and I'm working on my sex addiction problem.
My wife looses faith in my recovery and no longer wants intimacy with me. I have made progress in my recovery, I no longer masturbate, but I still strive with my desires, and recently saw porn which I confessed to her.
My wife expects perfection from me in this area, she doesn't like it when I feel attracted to other women, but I do not know how to avoid feeling attraction to other women. I have never cheated my wife in real life, only in my fantasies... I love my wife, but she holds back her love when she gets upset with me, and tends to hold an eternal grudge.
I try to repent, but that is not enough for her and she would rather have a divorce than give me time to progress.
We have been married for 5 years and have a single child together. I like and love my wife, I'd like to hear your advice.Marriage relationship problems, advice please...?
I live on the same side of this as your wife. I can tell you that to me, in my heart, whether he's cheating in fantasies, on the phone, or email or whatever, it still feels the same as if I sat and saw him do it for real in person. I hold back too when I'm upset, because in my mind, I visualize him sitting there doing it again, the stupid porn thing for four hours every day, when he does not give me anywhere NEAR the time or focus he puts into that. It's hard to want to be intimate with someone when you know there is NO way you can measure up to what they look at every day or fantasize about. It hurts period. She probably would rather divorce (which is the point I find myself at) because she's simply EXHAUSTED with waiting for progress that NEVER comes, and wonders if she can ever trust you anyway. And think about it. With the pain it causes HER, why should she wait indefinitely on you? It's NOT all about you! It's about her too. I'm not trying to ';dis'; you here. We all have our hangups and mess up. I'm just speaking from the standpoint of a woman who's endured this kind of pain, and knows how it feels. Would you feel good if you knew she had to fantasize about other men all the time?
There just finally comes a time, when a woman builds up her self-confidence, and self-love and realizes that she DOES deserve better than this, and if you can't give it, then what other option does she have? Good luck to you overcoming this problem. At least you're trying. More than I can say in my own circumstance.Marriage relationship problems, advice please...?
first of all masterbation is not an addiction unless you are out of control, my guy does it next to me and i know he thinks about other girls, that is normal too. all men, unless gay, are attracted to other woman, my god ..she want to casterate you too? i think she needs a lesson in men. porno can be an addiction also if used all of the time. she is making your desires stronger by cutting you off completely. if she needs to talk to me give her my email address. i am very open minded and may help her to understand. years of experience!
There is not such thing as perfection... I think however that your wife is and has been very hurt by things you have done in the past and she will need time to heal and forgive you and to start to get past the pain of this herself before she can become whole herself again because what you have done has made her feel that you do not love her and that she is not good enough for you as your wife... I went through this with my first husband and marriage so i can understand where she is coming from and how she feels and why. Is your wife open to trying to go to marriage counseling at all with you???? Or did you go yourself to marriage counseling without her... You are not the only one who needs help and counseling here she does too. Just to let you know that fantasizing about other women is the same thing as doing it with them in person ... There is a scripture in Matthew that says If you look at a woman to lust after here you have already commited adultery in your heart. In God's eyes it is the same thing. If you and your wife go to counseling together and for yourselves and the both of you do all you can to try and save and restore your marriage and relationship and there is ABSOLUTLEY no hope then i feel you should let her go but not until then and only then...
I also want you to think of it this way... How would you feel if she was attracted to other men and lusted and fanatsized about them and you knew about you???? Could you handle this if she had a problem like this and with pornography like you do??? All I am saying is to put yourself in her shoes.... I never felt that my first husband loved me and that he even cared about me and it made me have no self esteem at all and i never felt pretty or attractive to him... This really hurt our marriage and needless to say i reacted the wrong way and we did not go to counseling and help for our marriage... He was also mentally and verbally abusive to me... Our marriage ended in disaster and i dont wish this on anyone else or their marriage. Have you called a local church or pastor and talked with them about this and see if they could possibly give you some advice or help and if they would be able to talk to the both of you together.... I sure hope your child does not grow up in this disfunctional relationship and turn out with alot of problems because of it. May i also suggest some websites for you and your wife to visit together and email these people and ask them for help and advice. If you and your wife would like to talk to my husband and I we are here.... Another thing that really hurt me and my marriage at that time is that he would masturbate to other womens pictures in front of me. Have you done this to and front of her at all?
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
It sounds like you're really giving her your best. And I gotta tell ya pal, I'm not addicted and a woman but I can't even swear off masturbation forever. I don't even know that it's healthy. I also have fantasies and have never considered the thoughts in my head as cheating. As far as being attracted to people of the opposit sex, who isn't? It's whether you act on it or not that makes or breaks the man (or woman for that matter). You would know best if your attitudes and actions spell addiction and the porn thing certainly can mess up a guy, I know, but I fail to see where her attitude is coming from.
Whatever is going on with her, it's clear that she isn't going to be able to get past this on her own. Has she expressed a desire to make it work? Have the two of you sought help together?
I'm 46, widowed and I would be inclined to give you a better chance than it sounds like you've had with her. I also believe in love and in marriage and it sounds sad that she would end it when you are obviously trying very hard to overcome your problems, especially since there was no one else brought into your bed.
I wish I could tell you how to thaw her soul. For me, I think if I felt that way I would want to give it more time to see if my feelings returned, and with a child involved I think that's the way to go. But convincing her that you are doing your best may be hard if she isn't receptive. Are you doing all you can to make sure she has what information she needs to trust you? if what she wants is a play by play of your day and activities, are you willing to provide her with that? Have you opened up your entire life to her so that she can be reasonably sure you are following the practices that ensure successful resolution with regard to yur addiction? I only ask these things to help you decide whether you are doing all you can do to give her what she needs to trust you.
If you are doing all that you can and she isnt doing anything but talking of divorce, than there may be little you can do to change that. If it's her final answer then the work you need to do lies in letting go of her and looking to the future for you and your child.
Do remember that words are very important to women and that she needs to hear your feelings and thoughts. The best you can do now is to express yourself openly to her and see if she wouldn't give you more time.
I wish you good luck and will be hoping she gives you that time to prove yourself.
How would you like it if your wife fantasized about other men constantly. How would you feel if she was making love to you and thinking about another man. I do not understand men and their thinking. I wouldn't want to make love to a man who was fantasizing about another woman - what's the point????? It almost sounds like you are flaunting this to her and that is probably what is making her mad. Do you really want the marriage or is something inside doing this to get her upset so you can go out and fulfill all of your fantasies. What about your child? Is sex more important than that?
My wife looses faith in my recovery and no longer wants intimacy with me. I have made progress in my recovery, I no longer masturbate, but I still strive with my desires, and recently saw porn which I confessed to her.
My wife expects perfection from me in this area, she doesn't like it when I feel attracted to other women, but I do not know how to avoid feeling attraction to other women. I have never cheated my wife in real life, only in my fantasies... I love my wife, but she holds back her love when she gets upset with me, and tends to hold an eternal grudge.
I try to repent, but that is not enough for her and she would rather have a divorce than give me time to progress.
We have been married for 5 years and have a single child together. I like and love my wife, I'd like to hear your advice.Marriage relationship problems, advice please...?
I live on the same side of this as your wife. I can tell you that to me, in my heart, whether he's cheating in fantasies, on the phone, or email or whatever, it still feels the same as if I sat and saw him do it for real in person. I hold back too when I'm upset, because in my mind, I visualize him sitting there doing it again, the stupid porn thing for four hours every day, when he does not give me anywhere NEAR the time or focus he puts into that. It's hard to want to be intimate with someone when you know there is NO way you can measure up to what they look at every day or fantasize about. It hurts period. She probably would rather divorce (which is the point I find myself at) because she's simply EXHAUSTED with waiting for progress that NEVER comes, and wonders if she can ever trust you anyway. And think about it. With the pain it causes HER, why should she wait indefinitely on you? It's NOT all about you! It's about her too. I'm not trying to ';dis'; you here. We all have our hangups and mess up. I'm just speaking from the standpoint of a woman who's endured this kind of pain, and knows how it feels. Would you feel good if you knew she had to fantasize about other men all the time?
There just finally comes a time, when a woman builds up her self-confidence, and self-love and realizes that she DOES deserve better than this, and if you can't give it, then what other option does she have? Good luck to you overcoming this problem. At least you're trying. More than I can say in my own circumstance.Marriage relationship problems, advice please...?
first of all masterbation is not an addiction unless you are out of control, my guy does it next to me and i know he thinks about other girls, that is normal too. all men, unless gay, are attracted to other woman, my god ..she want to casterate you too? i think she needs a lesson in men. porno can be an addiction also if used all of the time. she is making your desires stronger by cutting you off completely. if she needs to talk to me give her my email address. i am very open minded and may help her to understand. years of experience!
There is not such thing as perfection... I think however that your wife is and has been very hurt by things you have done in the past and she will need time to heal and forgive you and to start to get past the pain of this herself before she can become whole herself again because what you have done has made her feel that you do not love her and that she is not good enough for you as your wife... I went through this with my first husband and marriage so i can understand where she is coming from and how she feels and why. Is your wife open to trying to go to marriage counseling at all with you???? Or did you go yourself to marriage counseling without her... You are not the only one who needs help and counseling here she does too. Just to let you know that fantasizing about other women is the same thing as doing it with them in person ... There is a scripture in Matthew that says If you look at a woman to lust after here you have already commited adultery in your heart. In God's eyes it is the same thing. If you and your wife go to counseling together and for yourselves and the both of you do all you can to try and save and restore your marriage and relationship and there is ABSOLUTLEY no hope then i feel you should let her go but not until then and only then...
I also want you to think of it this way... How would you feel if she was attracted to other men and lusted and fanatsized about them and you knew about you???? Could you handle this if she had a problem like this and with pornography like you do??? All I am saying is to put yourself in her shoes.... I never felt that my first husband loved me and that he even cared about me and it made me have no self esteem at all and i never felt pretty or attractive to him... This really hurt our marriage and needless to say i reacted the wrong way and we did not go to counseling and help for our marriage... He was also mentally and verbally abusive to me... Our marriage ended in disaster and i dont wish this on anyone else or their marriage. Have you called a local church or pastor and talked with them about this and see if they could possibly give you some advice or help and if they would be able to talk to the both of you together.... I sure hope your child does not grow up in this disfunctional relationship and turn out with alot of problems because of it. May i also suggest some websites for you and your wife to visit together and email these people and ask them for help and advice. If you and your wife would like to talk to my husband and I we are here.... Another thing that really hurt me and my marriage at that time is that he would masturbate to other womens pictures in front of me. Have you done this to and front of her at all?
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
It sounds like you're really giving her your best. And I gotta tell ya pal, I'm not addicted and a woman but I can't even swear off masturbation forever. I don't even know that it's healthy. I also have fantasies and have never considered the thoughts in my head as cheating. As far as being attracted to people of the opposit sex, who isn't? It's whether you act on it or not that makes or breaks the man (or woman for that matter). You would know best if your attitudes and actions spell addiction and the porn thing certainly can mess up a guy, I know, but I fail to see where her attitude is coming from.
Whatever is going on with her, it's clear that she isn't going to be able to get past this on her own. Has she expressed a desire to make it work? Have the two of you sought help together?
I'm 46, widowed and I would be inclined to give you a better chance than it sounds like you've had with her. I also believe in love and in marriage and it sounds sad that she would end it when you are obviously trying very hard to overcome your problems, especially since there was no one else brought into your bed.
I wish I could tell you how to thaw her soul. For me, I think if I felt that way I would want to give it more time to see if my feelings returned, and with a child involved I think that's the way to go. But convincing her that you are doing your best may be hard if she isn't receptive. Are you doing all you can to make sure she has what information she needs to trust you? if what she wants is a play by play of your day and activities, are you willing to provide her with that? Have you opened up your entire life to her so that she can be reasonably sure you are following the practices that ensure successful resolution with regard to yur addiction? I only ask these things to help you decide whether you are doing all you can do to give her what she needs to trust you.
If you are doing all that you can and she isnt doing anything but talking of divorce, than there may be little you can do to change that. If it's her final answer then the work you need to do lies in letting go of her and looking to the future for you and your child.
Do remember that words are very important to women and that she needs to hear your feelings and thoughts. The best you can do now is to express yourself openly to her and see if she wouldn't give you more time.
I wish you good luck and will be hoping she gives you that time to prove yourself.
How would you like it if your wife fantasized about other men constantly. How would you feel if she was making love to you and thinking about another man. I do not understand men and their thinking. I wouldn't want to make love to a man who was fantasizing about another woman - what's the point????? It almost sounds like you are flaunting this to her and that is probably what is making her mad. Do you really want the marriage or is something inside doing this to get her upset so you can go out and fulfill all of your fantasies. What about your child? Is sex more important than that?
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